Sunday, February 13, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Indifference
I've come to the realization that indifference can be dangerous. It's so much easier to go through life not caring too much one way or the other. This is not a solution. I've been struggling to find a balance. I am trying to let go and not feel the need to control and plan every aspect of my life. I'm learning to trust God again and it's not easy. At first I tried a whatever happens happens attitude. I soon found myself slipping too far into that I don't care realm.
I am desperately trying to refocus, regroup, reorganize what really matters. I realize I can spread myself a little too thin and my family sometimes gets the short end of the stick. I'm learning to let some things go. I am still struggling to figure out exactly who I am meant to be.
I am desperately trying to refocus, regroup, reorganize what really matters. I realize I can spread myself a little too thin and my family sometimes gets the short end of the stick. I'm learning to let some things go. I am still struggling to figure out exactly who I am meant to be.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
It's time
It's time to round up my husband, my daughter and the memories of our baby boy and move. I've been thinking for the past year about how to begin to get our life back in order. It's going to be a different kind of order now. I need us to move toward healthy on all fronts. That means physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I must confess that I've developed some bad habits over the course of the past year. We've eaten too much, spent too much, spent too little time at home. It's easy to try to fill the void in our lives with more of the things that create fleeting moments of superficial happiness.
But I want more for my family. I want better for my family. It gets difficult to live in the moment when all I really want is in the past. I want the coming year to be about finding our way back to solid ground. I want to be firmly set on something real. I want to bring Zavier with us by creating a lasting legacy of hope, awareness and change.
I have to remember that God has blessed me with the opportunity to live what I believe. That is an opportunity that should not be wasted.
I must confess that I've developed some bad habits over the course of the past year. We've eaten too much, spent too much, spent too little time at home. It's easy to try to fill the void in our lives with more of the things that create fleeting moments of superficial happiness.
But I want more for my family. I want better for my family. It gets difficult to live in the moment when all I really want is in the past. I want the coming year to be about finding our way back to solid ground. I want to be firmly set on something real. I want to bring Zavier with us by creating a lasting legacy of hope, awareness and change.
I have to remember that God has blessed me with the opportunity to live what I believe. That is an opportunity that should not be wasted.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Rough Week
It's been a rough week. And I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe because I can't help but remember the horrorible realizations we faced during these few weeks last year. I feel like I'm regressing. I can't seem to stop the tears this week.
For some reason I was counting on things being so much easier after this first year. But, I guess it really is about a Lifetime Without Zavier rather than A Year. Earlier this evening the house was quiet with Felix in the garage and Juls at a friend's house. Suddenly, I felt so lonely for Zavier. I missed Zavier so much right then. It just felt so much like he should be here for me to look after. Like, I'm not supposed to be alone. Selfish, I know.
Last year was about so much heartache, so many tears, a physically and emotionally draining year. I want this year to be about recovery, about faith and hope and belief, about love and smiles and the laughter that used to fill this house.
Some broken things can never again be made whole but broken things can still be beautiful.
For some reason I was counting on things being so much easier after this first year. But, I guess it really is about a Lifetime Without Zavier rather than A Year. Earlier this evening the house was quiet with Felix in the garage and Juls at a friend's house. Suddenly, I felt so lonely for Zavier. I missed Zavier so much right then. It just felt so much like he should be here for me to look after. Like, I'm not supposed to be alone. Selfish, I know.
Last year was about so much heartache, so many tears, a physically and emotionally draining year. I want this year to be about recovery, about faith and hope and belief, about love and smiles and the laughter that used to fill this house.
Some broken things can never again be made whole but broken things can still be beautiful.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Juliana said...
Yesterday Juls was telling me that Zavier would always be her brother. She went on to say that Zavier did not leave this world too soon. I asked her to please help me understand what she meant by that.
She went on to say that Zavier 'did his time here'. God saw that he deserved to go to Heaven and let him go. According to my 10 year old, we are all 'doing our time' on this earth, working hard to deserve a spot in Heaven.
Zavier accomplished in his 15 weeks on this earth what we are all working hard to achieve.
She went on to say that Zavier 'did his time here'. God saw that he deserved to go to Heaven and let him go. According to my 10 year old, we are all 'doing our time' on this earth, working hard to deserve a spot in Heaven.
Zavier accomplished in his 15 weeks on this earth what we are all working hard to achieve.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Day 365
One year ago at 4:19 pm, my 15 week old baby boy was pronounced dead. SIDS is the one word that changed my family forever.
The past year borders on undescribable. The loss, the pain, the hurt, the anger, the disbelief, and the now bittersweet memories of our happy, smiling baby. But there is also the undeniable love, strength, faith, hope, and the caring and compassion offered by the many people in our lives. Friends, new and old, have gone out of their way to offer their comfort and support.
Over the past year I have struggled, and continue to struggle, to come to terms with the sudden departure of my son. I know now that it is not about "A Year Without Zavier" but about "A Lifetime Without Zavier" because he was here and has changed my life forever.
One year ago I dropped Zavier off at the sitter's on my way to work. I paused on my way out and looked back, hesitant to leave. That was the last time I saw my son alive.
I am not the same person who dropped Zavier off that morning.
Once upon a time, I considered myself to be this efficient, independent, organized, master multitasking, always prepared person. That is no longer me. And truth be told, I don't miss her too much.
I try not to take on as much these days. I still find it hard to focus sometimes as thoughts of my Zavier are never far away. And these days, I have to write everything down. Smiles and laughter don't come quite so easily. But that's ok. I am stronger, determined, on a mission though a bit more relaxed and a lot more aware of what I want my life to be. I am motivated to live my life on purpose. I am determined to make my days count.
Above all, my faith is backed by a rock solid conviction. I know there is a God and that He is good and that my Zavier is with Him.
The past year borders on undescribable. The loss, the pain, the hurt, the anger, the disbelief, and the now bittersweet memories of our happy, smiling baby. But there is also the undeniable love, strength, faith, hope, and the caring and compassion offered by the many people in our lives. Friends, new and old, have gone out of their way to offer their comfort and support.
Over the past year I have struggled, and continue to struggle, to come to terms with the sudden departure of my son. I know now that it is not about "A Year Without Zavier" but about "A Lifetime Without Zavier" because he was here and has changed my life forever.
One year ago I dropped Zavier off at the sitter's on my way to work. I paused on my way out and looked back, hesitant to leave. That was the last time I saw my son alive.
I am not the same person who dropped Zavier off that morning.
Once upon a time, I considered myself to be this efficient, independent, organized, master multitasking, always prepared person. That is no longer me. And truth be told, I don't miss her too much.
I try not to take on as much these days. I still find it hard to focus sometimes as thoughts of my Zavier are never far away. And these days, I have to write everything down. Smiles and laughter don't come quite so easily. But that's ok. I am stronger, determined, on a mission though a bit more relaxed and a lot more aware of what I want my life to be. I am motivated to live my life on purpose. I am determined to make my days count.
Above all, my faith is backed by a rock solid conviction. I know there is a God and that He is good and that my Zavier is with Him.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Day 363
Almost one year later and I feel like each day it is all still sinking in. Zavier's clothes are still in his drawers. His hamper still has dirty clothes in it. I can imagine how that must sound. I think I just like the idea of still having one more thing to do for him. I just don't want to wash and fold his clothes for the last time. His highchair is still in the kitchen. He never even got to use it, but in our excitement we set it up. His swing sits in, what is now, our Team Zavier room.
Sometimes I still feel like the more time that passes the further away I am away from him. Soon, there will be no more 'Zavier was here last year'. Everyday I wake up and want him back.
I'm still waiting for comfortably numb.
Sometimes I still feel like the more time that passes the further away I am away from him. Soon, there will be no more 'Zavier was here last year'. Everyday I wake up and want him back.
I'm still waiting for comfortably numb.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Day 359
I've been so full of thoughts the past few weeks. I'm still trying to make sense of them all. There is still so much I want to say, but it hurts.
My memories of New Year's of last year are so vivid. Zavier was smiling, watching his silly family play Band Hero. I bundled him up so we could go outside that night. We only made it as far as the garage when I turned around and went back inside.
Little did we know that just 8 short days into the new year he would leave us. He was a happy, healthy baby. Above all, he was loved.
Now, as this year begins he is terribly missed. We are learning to live as a broken family because we will never be whole again. We can still find peace and happiness, I think. But there will always be a special place in our lives reserved for our Zavier.
My memories of New Year's of last year are so vivid. Zavier was smiling, watching his silly family play Band Hero. I bundled him up so we could go outside that night. We only made it as far as the garage when I turned around and went back inside.
Little did we know that just 8 short days into the new year he would leave us. He was a happy, healthy baby. Above all, he was loved.
Now, as this year begins he is terribly missed. We are learning to live as a broken family because we will never be whole again. We can still find peace and happiness, I think. But there will always be a special place in our lives reserved for our Zavier.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Day 350
I realize it must be difficult to understand why with such an awesome family and great friends we need to be alone this holiday season. It is for us but it is also for them. I'm not sure I can explain it but I'll try.
Last Christmas we bought gifts for our kids. This year we bought gifts for Juls and are taking gifts for Zavi to the cemetery. That does something to a person. It breaks a person, somehow. It takes a whole lot of effort to put on a happy face to not make our family sad. We don't want to ruin the festivities and don't expect anyone to be sad with us. We'd like our families to be happy and celebrate with their kids without our sadness to bring them down.
I think we have to feel how we feel now so that maybe next year it won't be as bad. Last year we celebrated with our daughter and our son. One Christmas with him is not enough. We are getting better,I think. But, it's so hard and it hurts and right now we are missing our son and are sad that he is not here to open presents with his big sister.
January 8, 2 short weeks from today, marks the one year anniversary of Zavier's departure and I can't find a celebration in my heart just yet.
Last Christmas we bought gifts for our kids. This year we bought gifts for Juls and are taking gifts for Zavi to the cemetery. That does something to a person. It breaks a person, somehow. It takes a whole lot of effort to put on a happy face to not make our family sad. We don't want to ruin the festivities and don't expect anyone to be sad with us. We'd like our families to be happy and celebrate with their kids without our sadness to bring them down.
I think we have to feel how we feel now so that maybe next year it won't be as bad. Last year we celebrated with our daughter and our son. One Christmas with him is not enough. We are getting better,I think. But, it's so hard and it hurts and right now we are missing our son and are sad that he is not here to open presents with his big sister.
January 8, 2 short weeks from today, marks the one year anniversary of Zavier's departure and I can't find a celebration in my heart just yet.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Day 338
To be busy or not to be...
These past few weeks have been a struggle to say the least. I've been torn between trying to stay busy and trying to be still. As silly as it sounds, the easy way out for me is to stay ridiculously busy. Even as I run around with a million things to do it remains difficult to quiet the thoughts running through my mind.
There's a song that says "I don't even want to be right now" and I totally get it. I can stay busy and keep the thoughts, the darkness and the tears safely tucked away just below the surface but I can't outrun it. I am no match for the grief that threatens to swallow me whole.
I may not be in the mood for it but I am not afraid of it. In my heart, I know I need to be still. I need to let it wash over me again and again and again. Until one day maybe it won't.
These past few weeks have been a struggle to say the least. I've been torn between trying to stay busy and trying to be still. As silly as it sounds, the easy way out for me is to stay ridiculously busy. Even as I run around with a million things to do it remains difficult to quiet the thoughts running through my mind.
There's a song that says "I don't even want to be right now" and I totally get it. I can stay busy and keep the thoughts, the darkness and the tears safely tucked away just below the surface but I can't outrun it. I am no match for the grief that threatens to swallow me whole.
I may not be in the mood for it but I am not afraid of it. In my heart, I know I need to be still. I need to let it wash over me again and again and again. Until one day maybe it won't.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Day 331
331 days later and I finally understand how such a tragedy, the loss of a little life, can destroy a family.
A father loses his only son. A mother loses a baby. And a sister loses a brother. I look at my husband and see the best parts of the son that is not here. I see hopes and dreams and what he could've become. I look at my daughter and I can see the sadness in her eyes.
Everyone is recovering in their own unique way. It is so easy to turn within oneself and let everyone kind of do their own thing, do what they need to do to just get by, until one day you realize that isn't enough. It's true that if you are not working together you are working apart.
It is not an easy thing to fix yourself and it's not an easy thing to fix a family. Everyone makes progress at their own pace. How do you move forward together? How do you do it so no one is left behind?
A father loses his only son. A mother loses a baby. And a sister loses a brother. I look at my husband and see the best parts of the son that is not here. I see hopes and dreams and what he could've become. I look at my daughter and I can see the sadness in her eyes.
Everyone is recovering in their own unique way. It is so easy to turn within oneself and let everyone kind of do their own thing, do what they need to do to just get by, until one day you realize that isn't enough. It's true that if you are not working together you are working apart.
It is not an easy thing to fix yourself and it's not an easy thing to fix a family. Everyone makes progress at their own pace. How do you move forward together? How do you do it so no one is left behind?
Monday, November 29, 2010
Day 326
...can't shake it this time...
The thoughts running through my mind are not pretty. They are angry and sad and lonely and mean and quite frankly they scare me. I almost feel guilty of the ugliness in my head and my heart. This is not the season, after all...
Today, I am not sitting calmly at my laptop typing. I am crying loudly as I listen to the rain fall outside. I am struggling to type through the tears. My teeth are chattering for some unexplainable reason and I can feel the onset of a dull headache that is sure to be with me for some time.
Today, I am tired of trying to make things better. My truth today is that I know Zavier is in Heaven but right now that is not enough. I want it all back. I want him here with us. I want to see my baby. I want to hold him and hear him laugh and hear him cry.
Last year, I hung Zavier's "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornament. Yesterday, I hung a picture of my dead son in an ornament on our Christmas tree. In what world does that make sense? It hurts so much. I want to scream and curse and break things. I want to run away to a world where mama's don't bury their babies in the cold, dark earth. I know these words are horrible and selfish and I am ashamed but today this is my truth.
I know it's not about me and that there is a bigger picture but today I can only feel what is going on in my world. Somewhere in me I know that God will give me a better tomorrow...
The thoughts running through my mind are not pretty. They are angry and sad and lonely and mean and quite frankly they scare me. I almost feel guilty of the ugliness in my head and my heart. This is not the season, after all...
Today, I am not sitting calmly at my laptop typing. I am crying loudly as I listen to the rain fall outside. I am struggling to type through the tears. My teeth are chattering for some unexplainable reason and I can feel the onset of a dull headache that is sure to be with me for some time.
Today, I am tired of trying to make things better. My truth today is that I know Zavier is in Heaven but right now that is not enough. I want it all back. I want him here with us. I want to see my baby. I want to hold him and hear him laugh and hear him cry.
Last year, I hung Zavier's "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornament. Yesterday, I hung a picture of my dead son in an ornament on our Christmas tree. In what world does that make sense? It hurts so much. I want to scream and curse and break things. I want to run away to a world where mama's don't bury their babies in the cold, dark earth. I know these words are horrible and selfish and I am ashamed but today this is my truth.
I know it's not about me and that there is a bigger picture but today I can only feel what is going on in my world. Somewhere in me I know that God will give me a better tomorrow...
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Day 320
The happy holidays are hard to face when such an important part of my family, of my life, of my very heart is not here to share it with us. I've heard it said that when you dread the holidays the anticipation of the day is worse than the actual day. I'm not sure it's the actual day that I'm dreading.
As it becomes evident that the holiday season is indeed upon us, I realize that it is the season I dread this year. It is so hard for me to get excited about the holidays or even to find that old holiday spirit. I catch glimpses of Christmas decorations and listen to plans for Thanksgiving celebrations. I know I have plenty to be thankful for but I am not thankful that my baby boy is not here. I don't feel grateful that my family is not together. Last year, we had so much to look forward to or so we thought. And now, this year I am taking a tiny Christmas tree to the cemetary instead of sitting my boy in front of the tree for pictures and presents.
I am asking the Lord to please help me to keep the bitterness from stealing away my heart this holiday season.
As it becomes evident that the holiday season is indeed upon us, I realize that it is the season I dread this year. It is so hard for me to get excited about the holidays or even to find that old holiday spirit. I catch glimpses of Christmas decorations and listen to plans for Thanksgiving celebrations. I know I have plenty to be thankful for but I am not thankful that my baby boy is not here. I don't feel grateful that my family is not together. Last year, we had so much to look forward to or so we thought. And now, this year I am taking a tiny Christmas tree to the cemetary instead of sitting my boy in front of the tree for pictures and presents.
I am asking the Lord to please help me to keep the bitterness from stealing away my heart this holiday season.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Day 317
I Will Trust You
by Steven Curtis Chapman
I don't even want to breathe right now
All I want to do is close my eyes
But I don't want to open them again
Until I'm standing on the other side
I don't even want to be right now
I don't want to think another thought
And I don't want to feel this pain I feel
And right now, pain is all I've got
It feels like it's all I've got, but I know it's not
No, I know You're all I've got
And I will trust You
Trust you, God, I will
Even when I don't understand, even then I will say again
You are amy God, and I will trust You.
God, I'm longing for the day to come
When this cloudy glass I'm looking through
Is shattered in a million pieces
And finally I can just see You
God, You know I believe it's true
I know I will see You
But until the day I do
I will trust You, trust You
Trust you, God, I will
Even when I don't understand
Even then I will say again
You are my God, and I'll trust You
And with every breath I take
And for every day that breaks...
by Steven Curtis Chapman
I don't even want to breathe right now
All I want to do is close my eyes
But I don't want to open them again
Until I'm standing on the other side
I don't even want to be right now
I don't want to think another thought
And I don't want to feel this pain I feel
And right now, pain is all I've got
It feels like it's all I've got, but I know it's not
No, I know You're all I've got
And I will trust You
Trust you, God, I will
Even when I don't understand, even then I will say again
You are amy God, and I will trust You.
God, I'm longing for the day to come
When this cloudy glass I'm looking through
Is shattered in a million pieces
And finally I can just see You
God, You know I believe it's true
I know I will see You
But until the day I do
I will trust You, trust You
Trust you, God, I will
Even when I don't understand
Even then I will say again
You are my God, and I'll trust You
And with every breath I take
And for every day that breaks...
Monday, November 15, 2010
Day 311
Last night as I drove home on that dark rainy night I found myself telling Zavier (in my mind not out loud) that I wish I knew he was proud of his Mama. I was near tears as I told him things I was sure he already knew. I told him how hard we were working to put Team Zavier on a path that would reach parents and their babies. I told him I was so tired but if I knew we were helping in some way it'd be worth it.
Life does not stop so you can grieve. Grief happens on top of everything else. You work, you study, you parent, you clean, you help and you grieve. It's literally exhausting...physically and emotionally exhausting...
But this afternoon when I looked into Zavier's room after work his lamp was on. I knew that was my Zavier telling his Mama that he is proud. That was our Zavier cheering on the Team Zavier that he inspires. I stood in his room for a few moments and let the feeling that my son is near wash over me. I left his room more convinced than ever.
Stronger. Energized. Motivated. Hopeful once again.
Only With God's Grace...
Life does not stop so you can grieve. Grief happens on top of everything else. You work, you study, you parent, you clean, you help and you grieve. It's literally exhausting...physically and emotionally exhausting...
But this afternoon when I looked into Zavier's room after work his lamp was on. I knew that was my Zavier telling his Mama that he is proud. That was our Zavier cheering on the Team Zavier that he inspires. I stood in his room for a few moments and let the feeling that my son is near wash over me. I left his room more convinced than ever.
Stronger. Energized. Motivated. Hopeful once again.
Only With God's Grace...
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Day 310
Earlier this week I was presented with the opportunity to talk with a film student working on a documentary about SIDS. He was interested in interviewing parents of babies who have died of SIDS. My first instinct was to respond and say I'd do whatever I could to help and so I did.
As the week went on, I began to think of the logistics of it all. The interview was to take place this weekend. I had several prior commitments already planned. We had family coming in from out of town. I'd already signed up for a service project at church and had tickets to another function. The interview was to take place a few hours away in a neighboring state. As the details ran through my mind and I tried to figure out a way to make it all work I began to get a little nervous.
Being the worrier (and I'm not necessarily proud that I'm a worrier) that I am, I started playing the old "what if" game with myself. Of course, none of the "what if" scenerios in my head ended happily. I still didn't know exactly where I'd be going nor had I met the film students working on the project and I knew my husband was a little nervous about the whole thing.
This morning I prayed about it. I asked God to please let me know if I was making the right decision in making this trip. I prayed that the documentary would be used for good, to help give our babies a voice.
In that moment, a specific thought came to me. To make a difference, you have to step outside your comfort zone. About a week ago, I heard that message at an Inspire Women (inspirewomen.org) conference I attended. Those words were suddenly so clear in my mind that I knew I had to go. And so, with my sister as my co-pilot, I did.
I am so glad we took advantage of the opportunity with which we were presented. The interview was not easy but we met some very nice people with big hearts. If we can bring awareness to new parents and in turn help them keep their babies safe then our united efforts are so worth it.
With God's Grace, all things are possible.
As the week went on, I began to think of the logistics of it all. The interview was to take place this weekend. I had several prior commitments already planned. We had family coming in from out of town. I'd already signed up for a service project at church and had tickets to another function. The interview was to take place a few hours away in a neighboring state. As the details ran through my mind and I tried to figure out a way to make it all work I began to get a little nervous.
Being the worrier (and I'm not necessarily proud that I'm a worrier) that I am, I started playing the old "what if" game with myself. Of course, none of the "what if" scenerios in my head ended happily. I still didn't know exactly where I'd be going nor had I met the film students working on the project and I knew my husband was a little nervous about the whole thing.
This morning I prayed about it. I asked God to please let me know if I was making the right decision in making this trip. I prayed that the documentary would be used for good, to help give our babies a voice.
In that moment, a specific thought came to me. To make a difference, you have to step outside your comfort zone. About a week ago, I heard that message at an Inspire Women (inspirewomen.org) conference I attended. Those words were suddenly so clear in my mind that I knew I had to go. And so, with my sister as my co-pilot, I did.
I am so glad we took advantage of the opportunity with which we were presented. The interview was not easy but we met some very nice people with big hearts. If we can bring awareness to new parents and in turn help them keep their babies safe then our united efforts are so worth it.
With God's Grace, all things are possible.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Day 303
I can't believe this year is going by so quickly and so slowly all at once. This morning, on day 303, I woke up and for the first time in 303 days I didn't feel like screaming. I am learning to let my pain inspire me.
Team Zavier is what keeps me going on the days I have no desire to face the world. So many days I've contemplated becoming a hermit of sorts : ) But, With God's Grace, Team Zavier is determined to make a difference.
We are in the process of creating "With God's Grace Goodie Bags" to distribute to new parents in our area. Our goal for this year is to create 200 bags that include a "Sleep Safe" pacifier, a "Sleep Safe, Baby!" onesie, and printed information on steps parents and caregivers can take to prevent SIDS.
So keep your fingers crossed for Team Zavier (teamzavier.com) or better yet keep us in your prayers because in the depths of my soul I know God is Good.
Team Zavier is what keeps me going on the days I have no desire to face the world. So many days I've contemplated becoming a hermit of sorts : ) But, With God's Grace, Team Zavier is determined to make a difference.
We are in the process of creating "With God's Grace Goodie Bags" to distribute to new parents in our area. Our goal for this year is to create 200 bags that include a "Sleep Safe" pacifier, a "Sleep Safe, Baby!" onesie, and printed information on steps parents and caregivers can take to prevent SIDS.
So keep your fingers crossed for Team Zavier (teamzavier.com) or better yet keep us in your prayers because in the depths of my soul I know God is Good.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Day 296
The days continue to fly by too quickly. Too many days have passed since I last heard my baby boy laugh, saw him smile and held him in my arms. I want the world to stop more than ever before. I want to hibernate through the holidays.
It seems Zavier was here with us just for the holidays. He should be running around in whatever crazy costume his big sister and daddy would have come up with for him. I can't be happy through the holidays and truth be told I don't want to be. I want to sit and sulk and cry and scream and miss my baby.
It seems Zavier was here with us just for the holidays. He should be running around in whatever crazy costume his big sister and daddy would have come up with for him. I can't be happy through the holidays and truth be told I don't want to be. I want to sit and sulk and cry and scream and miss my baby.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
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