This morning has been pretty horrible. The pain...the feelings almost unbearable. I sat on the sofa and surrounded myself with Zavier's things because I wanted to feel him near me. I sat and cried, loudly, uncontrollably.
I know he is still with us, with me. But...I want to hold him. I want to see him in his crib. I want to bathe him. I want to change his diaper. I want to feed him. I want to hear him cry. I want to smell him and touch him. I want to feel all 13 lbs of him lying on my chest. I want to feel his tiny hands pulling my hair and grab onto my necklace when I put him down. I want to rock him and watch him sleep. I want to feel his tummy as he breathes. I want to see his smile and hear his laugh. Not in pictures, not on video but here in our house, with us. I want him alive.
I want to hear him say his first word and watch him take his first step. I want to hear him say Mommy and Daddy...I want a lifetime of firsts...
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I wish that there was a way for you to get those "firsts" you long for. Please know that you have the right to feel terrible, yet know that it will be better one day. Never give in to the grief - feel it, live it, but don't give in to it.
ReplyDeleteMy sister talks about the first . In fact I had bought Jackson the cutest outfit for Halloween. He had his first Christmas outfit I had him..all laying in his room when I arrived for his funeral.
ReplyDeleteShe says he never reached out for her..I think for her this is one of her saddest thoughts.
I am thinking of you tonight..and as you know praying for you everyday as I visit your blog.