Day 26

I don't know where to start. I will keep it short tonight. I'm literally exhausted. Again.

After much debate with myself, I went to class. I dreaded introducing myself. I heard everyone else say a little something about themselves and naturally, a little something about their children. With my heart pounding and legs shaking, so did I.

I got home and began to finish up some school work. After about 5 minutes, we hear a loud boom and all the lights went out. In the words of Bon Jovi....Hey God, Tell me what the hell is going on!!!!!!!!! Give me a flippin' break. I didn't get a miracle, but don't I at least deserve a break for my effort, for not going insane.

I said all of that out loud to Felix. I regret it. He agreed with me. He ranted and raved with me. We have never, both, been so dejected at the same time. It was scary. Usually, it's one of us at a time and the other is there to pick up the pieces.

I wouldn't have been able to sleep without posting my 'Day 26' so I'm at my sister's apt. trying to get as much done as I can.

To this point, possibly the best advice I've received is that maybe....I should stop trying...if only just for a short time. Maybe I should stop trying to be strong, understand, stay positive. Maybe I can just be....be whatever it is I happen to feel like being. Be selfish...think only of myself and my pain...my hell. Not forever, but maybe for a day...or two.

Maybe then I can truly begin to move forward.

The question is: Do I have the courage?