Day 30

I hate that babies die. Not just my baby. Babies.

At the cemetary yesterday...two new babies.

Tomorrow will be one month since I was forced to do the unthinkable, to bury my son. My baby boy. A part of my heart and soul is gone. Gone with Zavier. My new normal seems to have begun and everyday I despise this unavoidable new normal. I do not want it. It is not welcome and I will not embrace it. I can barely accept it.

I once lived in a world with a baby, bottles, diapers, blankies and baths at the kitchen sink. Now my days are filled with...I'm not even sure what. But, my world now includes never ending days, restless nights and trips to the cemetary.

At this time last month we found out we were pregnant. The months couldn't pass fast enough. We were so eager to meet our baby. It seems now that the almost 4 months he was here flew by, entirely too quickly. One short year later, our boy has come and gone. It seems almost impossible, but it's real. I have to remind myself everyday that it is real. He was here and now he is gone.

I am almost desperate for my heart to catch up with the things my mind already knows.