Day 11?

Really...Day 11...Sometimes it feels like it has been an eternity. Sometimes it feels as if this has all been one really long day. I find myself losing track of time. Not being able to remember what day of the week it is. That is unlike me and a strange feeling altogether.

This is really happening to me, to us, to my husband, my daughter, my family. I overheard Felix on the phone telling someone how it has been almost two weeks. Almost two whole weeks since I began this journey through my own personal hell. The goal is to make it back intact. With my family intact. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

This morning I had a dr's appt. I felt alright and thought surely I could go to the dr's office. I walked in to see the other mothers sitting in the waiting room. Some were pregnant and others had their little ones in tow. I was doing ok, trying to keep to myself. When I walked up to the counter to pay, I noticed the office staff had a picture of Zavier on the door. The tears came as I was so sure there were no tears left for today.

I had to tell my dr. the news. He delivered Zavier, after all. He cried with me. He said when you believe God is being cruelest, it is then that he is being most merciful. I like that. Maybe Zavier was being spared a worse fate, later in life. Maybe God didn't want to Zavier to suffer. Maybe he decided Zavier would be one of the lucky ones to know nothing of pain, of hurt, of anger. Maybe...

Yesterday when I left the cemetary, I came across something that read "Pain in inevitable Misery is optional".

Last night, I went to Zavier's room to go through some of his clothes. I was trying to decide what to use for the quilts. I opened a drawer and that was the end of me. The memories hit at full force. I remember what it is like to be unable to decide which outfit he should wear because everything is so cute. I had everything in order by size, so he wouldn't miss the opportunity to wear any of his clothes. All that careful planning...
My husband walked in and saved the day. We talked as he helped me go through our favorite onesies.
My sister arrived shortly after and together we got it done.

So, today I visited Quiltworks where I plan to work on the quilts. It was harder than I thought. My legs were shaking. I had to cut Zavier's onesies. Why would I cut my own baby's clothes? That is a constant reminder of where he is. There is no forgetting. There is no reprieve. I want to pretend my baby is here. I want to pretend he is napping. I know that is not the answer but the alternative is what? To drown in grief...

It is so difficult to get up in the morning. I feel as if I'm made of lead. I wish I could stay inside my house forever and never venture out into the world, the world of New Mommies and Their Babies. I want to be comfortably wrapped in my safe memories, with only my husband and my daughter.