Day 15

And the days keep coming...I hate that time goes on. I want to be able to say, "Yesterday when I bathed my baby..." or This afternoon when I picked Zavier up...". There are no more yesterdays or even last weeks. Pretty soon, it will be last month when Zavier was still here...

Am I even making sense?

There is not a second that goes by that I'm not thinking of him. It is like a song you get stuck in your head. At times, not often, I just want it to stop, only for a second. Not the thoughts of him, necessarily, but the thoughts of that day, the thoughts of him being gone. It is the constant soundtrack in the background of my mind. If I could just pause the agony, pause the voices, the questions, the pain...

Today, I drove out to Galveston with my family. It was actually sort of beautiful. The weather matched my mood perfectly. It was misty, foggy, overcast and cold. Rather dreary, but slightly windy yet calm. We drove along the beach, listened to the waves, hunted for treasures. We drove the jeep for a while and I loved the feel of the cold wind. There were not very many people. Suprisingly, I even found myself smiling at times. Really smiling. Not just my fake smile that I've almost perfected.

Everything is always, at least, tinged with sadness. Zavier never got to see the beach or hear the waves or ride with his dad in the jeep. There were fathers with their sons riding the ferry and I knew what Felix was thinking. It is unfortunate that there are also fleeting moments of anger. I can't help but be angry that I will not be able to see my son grow up.

I know he is heaven. I know he is doing better than all of us. But, in my world, the bottom line is that he is not here with me. I will pray that the anger and selfishness be taken from me.