Day 13

Where do I start? Life is going on and I'm not ready. Juliana wanted to go to tumbling today. I was hoping she'd forget. No such luck. So, I went. It's not fair to put her life on hold because I'm not ready. It was horrible. I had to sit there and listen to so many loud, happy moms. I don't want to be bitter and I don't want to be angry. But, I'm not ready. So, I sat and listened to my iPod. I wallowed in my misery.

Juls said her coach asked her where she'd been. She responded that something happened with her brother. Her coach then asked if Zavier was ok. She said yes. When she told me about this, she made sure to add that she didn't lie because Zavier really is ok.

Felix was supposed to go to work on Tuesday. He didn't go and it scared me. What could I say? I am dreading Monday, when I plan to go to work. How can I go and sit at the desk where I received the most horrifying phone call of all my life? How can I continue to answer that phone? That damned phone that ruined me. I don't ever want to answer that phone again, and yet that is my job. How do I drive home when the last time I traveled that route was with a co-worker driving at speeds of up to 100 mph while I prayed to God with everything in me that my son would be ok? He didn't have to be perfect, just alive.

I miss my baby. I want to hold my baby. I want to bathe him and hug him and hear him laugh. I have never wanted anything more in my life. The aching in my chest is real. If miracles happen, why don't I get one? I will never be ok. This will never be ok. I don't want to learn to live with this gaping hole in my heart. I want my life back.

To be fair, I should add, the kindness of strangers continues to astound me. There are many things for which I am thankful. I am especially grateful for the strangers who are no longer strangers, for the food that arrives, the prayer blanket I found waiting for me last night, for the wonderfully patient woman helping me with Zavier's blankets, for my family and friends and all those who visit this blog and Zavier's website.