Day 19

I want to say today was better. I want to say I'm making progress. But I can't. I don't feel better and I don't see the progress. I couldn't even work a full day today. If anything, today was worse. How is that even possible? I am so frustrated. I honestly thought I could go to work, stay busy and function. How could I be so wrong? I was once the master multi tasker and suddenly my mind is mush. It takes so much effort to keep my mind from going back to the events of the past 19 days. I need it to stop. I need to figure this out. I need a plan.

I want to erase the past 19 days. I want to pretend this never happened, maybe then I could be functional. Felix says that is not the answer.

But wait, I did catch up on my school work. And, guess what...We finished one of the blankets!!!!! It is so sad and kind of happy. It is absolutely beautiful to us. It is our pain, our almost 4 months of joy, it is our tears, it is our prayers, it is part of our heart, it is a part of our boy. We did it together. I could not have done it alone. Felix finished it this afternoon and I am so proud of him.

It has been 19 days and it feels like a lifetime.