I know I'm starting a little late...I'm just trying to figure out how all this works...I'll catch up...
Week one - Such a blur...
Never in a million years did I think I'd see this day. I can't believe I'm here. I dropped my son off at the sitter's on Friday, January 8, one week short of his 4 month birthday. I left a happy, laughing baby...never to realize I'd never see him alive again.
My broken heart aches as I type trying to find the words that may describe how I feel. January 8, 2010 is now by far the worst day of my life. I got a phone call as I was about to leave work. It was the sitter, saying my baby had stopped breathing. In that moment, I couldn't breathe. I ran out in a panic, as a co-worker offered to drive. I called my husband because I knew he was closer to Zavier.
I can hear my husband's voice as he told me over the phone that it was too late. I expected to arrive at the hospital and to see my boy in a room, maybe sick, but certainly alive. When I arrived at the hospital my boy was gone. Seeing the Sheriff's Office deputies around the room that held my son was unreal.
I wanted nothing more than to scream....scream until my son could hear me...until God could hear me...until my baby began to breathe...until he returned to us, where I was so sure he belonged.
When I held my baby in the hospital that afternoon, he was cold. So cold. I feel like I'm still trying to keep us warm. I've been cold ever since.
My son had a beautiful service. There was a vigil, rosary and an unbelievably beautiful funeral. I am still speechless at the thought of all of our family and friends that stepped up to show us their love and support.
Today, we ordered my son's headstone. The inscription will read "Our Zavier Lives".
It has been 9 days and I suppose I must try to figure out how to live. I have a husband and a nine year old daughter. I know they need me, but I don't know how to live. I am not the same person I was when I woke up on January 8, with Zavier laying on my chest.
So many things I still want to say about these first 9 days...
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I don't know where you find the strength, your words are beautiful, yet I hear the sadness in your heart.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Mel
Sister,
ReplyDeleteAlthough Zavier is not here phyiscally with us...we know our Zavier lives...what's more is that he not only lives in our hearts but with our Savior, Jesus. I love you and you are my hero.
Lanie
Erica,
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you and your family, and my eyes fill with tears thinking about what you are going through. You are a very strong and wonderful woman, mother, sister and best friend to many people including myself. I wish I could take this pain away, but no person, place or thing can heal this type of pain. I know your faith alone will help you find the peace you desire and deserve. Just know you have lots of love and prayers that are with you and your family. Not a day goes by that I don't shed a tear, but I know with all my heart Zavier is in heaven smiling. You truly are an inspiration to me, and please know that you and your family are in my daily prayers and thoughts. As in the song "Come, Ye Disconsolate" Earth has no sorrow that HEAVEN cannot HEAL! My love, prayers and thoughts are with you always. Stay strong my friend.
God Bless You,
Jesus loves you and knows your pain.
-Phil
We continue to pray for you, your husband, and your daughter.
ReplyDeleteWith love,
Laura