Still Day 10

This house seems so quite...Has it always been like this? I can't remember. Everyone is home and yet it is so different.

I went to the cemetary today. I thought I'd feel better there. I couldn't stay very long. I'm not sure what I expected. I couldn't stand the thought of his little body....

I know he is in heaven. I know he is with God. My own selfishness prevents me from feeling all the joy that should come from knowing he is with our Savior. I still want him here, here with us. Body and Soul. I know he is in a better place, but this place was fine. Our home, his home, where he had everything a little baby could want, was perfectly fine. He was so happy here. I know it.

Tomorrow...Felix returns to work...Juls returns to school...this is the beginning of life without Zavier...I'm not ready...

I dropped Juliana off at school for 2 months with Zavier safely in his carseat right behind me. I have a dr's appointment tomorrow where people are sure to ask about Zavier. What will I say? There will be so many baby's there and babies in bellies waiting to be born. We want another baby. Is that wrong? Am I horrible for wanting another baby? I know there will never be another Zavier.

I am going to start working on a quilt tomorrow. Yes, me. Wish me luck. I've never even sewn on a button. Tonight I will attempt to go through some of Zavier's favorite clothes to select some items to use for the quilt. Three quilts actually. I am attempting two baby blankets out of Zavier's favorite outfits. One will be for my daughter and the other to hang in Zavier's room. Out of his baby blankets, I will sew a huge family quilt for our little slumber parties in the living room. Pretty big plans for someone who has never sewn in her life.

Going through Zavier's clothes has been on the agenda all weekend. It's now Monday evening and this has yet to be done. I will do it tonight. Sometime tonight. Thinking of the end result will help, I think. Beautiful quilts (I hope) to celebrate Zavier's memory.