Day 17

Back to work...Getting out of my house was dreadful. I was mad, sad and even a little scared. I felt like I was forgetting something. I didn't want to leave without a diaper bag, a carseat and well...a baby. I stepped out of the shower and glanced at where my baby should be. In the center of my bed, propped up on a pillow, fed, burped and happily 'watching' Handy Manny.

Even worse, I felt a little like going about my 'normal' life was a betrayal to my son. Nothing should be the same. And it's not.

On my way home from work, I didn't want to stop driving. I wanted, desperately, to go pick up Zavier. I got home and wondered why I didn't have a baby to bathe, feed and play with. I did go to the track with Felix and Juls. It was nice to be out with them, in the fresh air, running (or jogging should I say). Juls seemed to be having a good time. She remembers when we first took Zavier to the track and strolled around the parking lot with him. Felix says he is training her for the 2nd annual Bulldog Races. At the 1st annual Bulldog Races, I was pregnant with Zavi. Now, just one year later, he has come and gone. It was at this time, just last year, that we found out we were pregnant and just like that it is all over.

Utterly unbelievable, shocking, incomprehensible...

I tucked Juliana into bed tonight and she said, "You usually have Zavier with you and I always kiss him goodnight". I was speechless because she is absolutely right. I could feel the anger begin to creep up. Every now and then, I think how it would be so much easier to let the anger take over and replace all the tears. I know that is not the answer. There isn't even anyone to be angry at.

This is the beginning of my new normal...