Day 173

Today I caught a glimpse of the me I used to be. The me that is not so overwhelmed by guilt and sadness...

It gets harder and harder not to lose myself in the mess that makes up this new reality of my life.

Sometimes it is not so much about finding yourself as it is about remembering who you are.

Day 172

This is my prayer.

In the Middle of Me by Todd Agnew

Need a little more sunshine in the middle of rain
Need a little more joy in the middle of pain
I need a little more color in the middle of plain Jane

'Cause I've looked as deep as I can see
And I think I need a little more You in the middle of me

Need a little more patience in the middle of stress
Need a little more beauty in the middle of this mess
I need a little more substance in the middle of this emptiness

And I've looked as deep as I can see
And I think I need a little more You in the middle of me

I need more of You and less of me
More of You and a little less insanity
More of You and a little less complexity

'Cause I've looked as deep as I can see
And it seems more of You is better for me

I need a little more rhythm in the middle of this lazy rhyme
Need a little more spontaneity in the middle of this daily grind
Need a little more truth not music in this world of lies

'Cause I've looked as deep as I can see
And I think I need a little more You in the middle of me
In the middle of me, Lord, in the middle

Day 170

Spent the day at the lake. As silly as it sounds...Nature is healing for me, I think. I look around and know there is a God. And where He is, so is my Zavier.    Experiencing the beauty of God's earth reminds me that He is indeed Good...and I can use all the reminders I can get...cool waters, the gentle breeze, beautiful sky, awesome views. How do you not believe?

There is so much more to this world than just us... 

Day 169

I've been thinking of a way to turn this blog around, make it...I don't know...happier, somehow. At the same time, I am determined to keep it honest. A record of my first year without Zavier, my son. It seems I hardly had a chance to get used to saying that, my son. Maybe the changes need to occur first in my life.

I need to focus. I need to do something, something meaningful for Zavier. I need to create a legacy of giving, of helping, in his honor, in celebration of Zavier's life. He was here and has left his mark in this world. He has inspired me to figure out how to make a difference.

Day 166

Lately it seems my husband just wants to go, go, go. I'm still waiting for it all to stop...

Day 163

Special Father's Day wishes to all the Daddies of babies in Heaven. They will forever feel your love.

Day 162

As the days continue to pass, I feel my son's presence ever so present. Just as real as is his absence. I can't yet begin to explain the changes in me. I struggle with happiness while muddling my way through the never ending saddness. Once so happy to hang out at home, we find ourselves trying to fill our time with activities, things to do, places to go. It's our desperate attempt to numb our pain. It sucks when your house, your home, no longer feels like home. I can't help but wonder if this is part of the new reality of our lives. Maybe true happiness, that feeling of peaceful contentment, is no longer attainable for me. Maybe that is ok.

As I type, I hear a lyric that says "No other love, Momma I'm flying, I can go, I can go anywhere. No other love can take me there."

As I pause to listen, I think "That's my boy".  And suddenly I am so grateful that above all else I continue to feel his love and was blessed with the privelege of experiencing his awesome little self in my little part of the world.

The roller coaster of our lives continues.

Day 157

I miss my busy, happy, healthy family of four. There is no going back.

Day 156

I've been struggling for weeks now to work up the courage to pick up the phone and make some phone calls. Calls to the ME's Office, Sheriff's Dept., funeral home. I need to pick up a copy of the autopsy report, the clothes Zavier was wearing and any other items the Sheriff's Dept. took from the sitter's house.

I called the ME's Office and will pick up the report next week. I left a message at the Sheriff's Dept. So, that's progress. Today, my husband casually informed me that he has the death certificate. Actually, he has had it for weeks, over a month probably. One less thing for me to do? I guess so, but I can't believe he didn't tell me.

What I'm feeling is on the verge of anger. I'm back to square one on day 156... 

Day 152

Acceptance?

Day 151

5 months

Day 148

We just drove in from Austin. Before we left, yesterday evening, I turned on Zavier's nightlight. Tonight, when we came in, his nightlight was off and the lamp in his room was on...

All I know is this...

I'm more and more convinced the longer that I live that this can't be, no this can't be all there is...
There's more to life than just what I can see...

That lyric has been on my mind the past few days. I even wrote it down in my notebook. And maybe tonight is why....

Day 146

Sometimes I think God speaks to me through music...

Day 144

Hold My Heart
Tenth Avenue North

How long must I pray, must I pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah?

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To hear You call my name