Sunday, February 13, 2011

Tonight my heart hurts.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


I've come to the realization that indifference can be dangerous. It's so much easier to go through life not caring too much one way or the other. This is not a solution. I've been struggling to find a balance. I am trying to let go and not feel the need to control and plan every aspect of my life. I'm learning to trust God again and it's not easy. At first I tried a whatever happens happens attitude. I soon found myself slipping too far into that I don't care realm.

I am desperately trying to refocus, regroup, reorganize what really matters. I realize I can spread myself a little too thin and my family sometimes gets the short end of the stick. I'm learning to let some things go. I am still struggling to figure out exactly who I am meant to be.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

It's time

It's time to round up my husband, my daughter and the memories of our baby boy and move. I've been thinking for the past year about how to begin to get our life back in order. It's going to be a different kind of order now. I need us to move toward healthy on all fronts. That means physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I must confess that I've developed some bad habits over the course of the past year. We've eaten too much, spent too much, spent too little time at home. It's easy to try to fill the void in our lives with more of the things that create fleeting moments of superficial happiness.

But I want more for my family. I want better for my family. It gets difficult to live in the moment when all I really want is in the past. I want the coming year to be about finding our way back to solid ground. I want to be firmly set on something real. I want to bring Zavier with us by creating a lasting legacy of hope, awareness and change.

I have to remember that God has blessed me with the opportunity to live what I believe. That is an opportunity that should not be wasted.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Rough Week

It's been a rough week. And I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe because I can't help but remember the horrorible realizations we faced during these few weeks last year. I feel like I'm regressing. I can't seem to stop the tears this week.

For some reason I was counting on things being so much easier after this first year. But, I guess it really is about a Lifetime Without Zavier rather than A Year.  Earlier this evening the house was quiet with Felix in the garage and Juls at a friend's house. Suddenly, I felt so lonely for Zavier. I missed Zavier so much right then. It just felt so much like he should be here for me to look after. Like, I'm not supposed to be alone. Selfish, I know.

Last year was about so much heartache, so many tears, a physically and emotionally draining year. I want this year to be about recovery, about faith and hope and belief, about love and smiles and the laughter that used to fill this house.

Some broken things can never again be made whole but broken things can still be beautiful.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Juliana said...

Yesterday Juls was telling me that Zavier would always be her brother. She went on to say that Zavier did not leave this world too soon. I asked her to please help me understand what she meant by that.

She went on to say that Zavier 'did his time here'. God saw that he deserved to go to Heaven and let him go. According to my 10 year old, we are all 'doing our time' on this earth, working hard to deserve a spot in Heaven.

Zavier accomplished in his 15 weeks on this earth what we are all working hard to achieve.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Day 365

One year ago at 4:19 pm, my 15 week old baby boy was pronounced dead. SIDS is the one word that changed my family forever.

The past year borders on undescribable. The loss, the pain, the hurt, the anger, the disbelief, and the now bittersweet memories of our happy, smiling baby. But there is also the undeniable love, strength, faith, hope, and the caring and compassion offered by the many people in our lives. Friends, new and old, have gone out of their way to offer their comfort and support.

Over the past year I have struggled, and continue to struggle, to come to terms with the sudden departure of my son. I know now that it is not about "A Year Without Zavier" but about "A Lifetime Without Zavier" because he was here and has changed my life forever.

One year ago I dropped Zavier off at the sitter's on my way to work. I paused on my way out and looked back, hesitant to leave. That was the last time I saw my son alive.

I am not the same person who dropped Zavier off that morning.
Once upon a time, I considered myself to be this efficient, independent, organized, master multitasking, always prepared person. That is no longer me. And truth be told, I don't miss her too much.

I try not to take on as much these days. I still find it hard to focus sometimes as thoughts of my Zavier are never far away. And these days, I have to write everything down. Smiles and laughter don't come quite so easily. But that's ok. I am stronger, determined, on a mission though a bit more relaxed and a lot more aware of what I want my life to be. I am motivated to live my life on purpose. I am determined to make my days count.

Above all, my faith is backed by a rock solid conviction. I know there is a God and that He is good and that my Zavier is with Him.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Day 363

Almost one year later and I feel like each day it is all still sinking in. Zavier's clothes are still in his drawers. His hamper still has dirty clothes in it. I can imagine how that must sound. I think I just like the idea of still having one more thing to do for him. I just don't want to wash and fold his clothes for the last time. His highchair is still in the kitchen. He never even got to use it, but in our excitement we set it up. His swing sits in, what is now, our Team Zavier room.

Sometimes I still feel like the more time that passes the further away I am away from him. Soon, there will be no more 'Zavier was here last year'. Everyday I wake up and want him back.
I'm still waiting for comfortably numb.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Day 359

I've been so full of thoughts the past few weeks. I'm still trying to make sense of them all. There is still so much I want to say, but it hurts.

My memories of New Year's of last year are so vivid. Zavier was smiling, watching his silly family play Band Hero. I bundled him up so we could go outside that night. We only made it as far as the garage when I turned around and went back inside.

Little did we know that just 8 short days into the new year he would leave us. He was a happy, healthy baby. Above all, he was loved.

Now, as this year begins he is terribly missed. We are learning to live as a broken family because we will never be whole again. We can still find peace and happiness, I think. But there will always be a special place in our lives reserved for our Zavier.