Saturday, January 8, 2011

Day 365

One year ago at 4:19 pm, my 15 week old baby boy was pronounced dead. SIDS is the one word that changed my family forever.

The past year borders on undescribable. The loss, the pain, the hurt, the anger, the disbelief, and the now bittersweet memories of our happy, smiling baby. But there is also the undeniable love, strength, faith, hope, and the caring and compassion offered by the many people in our lives. Friends, new and old, have gone out of their way to offer their comfort and support.

Over the past year I have struggled, and continue to struggle, to come to terms with the sudden departure of my son. I know now that it is not about "A Year Without Zavier" but about "A Lifetime Without Zavier" because he was here and has changed my life forever.

One year ago I dropped Zavier off at the sitter's on my way to work. I paused on my way out and looked back, hesitant to leave. That was the last time I saw my son alive.

I am not the same person who dropped Zavier off that morning.
Once upon a time, I considered myself to be this efficient, independent, organized, master multitasking, always prepared person. That is no longer me. And truth be told, I don't miss her too much.

I try not to take on as much these days. I still find it hard to focus sometimes as thoughts of my Zavier are never far away. And these days, I have to write everything down. Smiles and laughter don't come quite so easily. But that's ok. I am stronger, determined, on a mission though a bit more relaxed and a lot more aware of what I want my life to be. I am motivated to live my life on purpose. I am determined to make my days count.

Above all, my faith is backed by a rock solid conviction. I know there is a God and that He is good and that my Zavier is with Him.

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