Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Day 81

It has not yet been three months and most days it feels as if a lifetime has past. Other days seem to crawl by. Still it is difficult to imagine dealing with this for the days, weeks, months and years to come.

It is easy to say that 'I am giving it all to God'. But how does it become real? Try as I might, that is not yet how I feel. Do I just have to keep reminding myself? Do I keep reading, keep praying?

The crashing waves just keep coming...

When It's Time for Plan B
by Whitney Hopler

Look for God's light in the darkness. When you face a dark situation that's beyond what you can handle, God will provide the light of grace you need to deal with it and the light of power you need to grow from it. Remind yourself of some times in the past when God has come through for you in unexpected ways, and let those memories reassure you that He will do so again. Choose to love God even when you feel abandoned and to worship Him through your tears, trusting that He will continue to be faithful to do what's best for you.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Day 78

I don't want to do this anymore.

I will, but I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to.

Day 78

When It's Time for Plan B
by Whitney Hopler

Use your pain to examine your life. Ask God to show you what He wants you to learn from the pain of your own plans falling apart. Don't settle for a mediocre, unexamined life. Let your pain motivate you to grow.

Keep choosing faith. Remember that, eventually, God will bring an end to your suffering - and in the meantime, He wants you to continue to trust Him. Keep choosing to have faith in him: trusting Him, loving Him, and letting Him change you to become more like Jesus.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Day 75

Pain is no longer my enemy. It is what is real.

It is a constant and loyal companion.

I'll be ok, The Lord knows what I feel.

This is a heavy cross I bear. Though I stumble every step of the way, I am determined not to fall.

I will lean heavily on our Lord and trust he remains at my side through it all.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Day 74

Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain

  Runaway Train
- Soul Asylum -

Who will I become?

My life is divided. There is my life before Jan. 8, 2010 and then there is life after Jan. 8, 2010. I would give anything if only I could turn back time.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Day 73

I will continue to choose Life...

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Day 72

Every beautiful memory of my son is an agonizing reminder that he is gone : (

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Day 71

I paid my usual visit to the cemetary this morning. It was cold, rainy and muddy. Perfect.

The day got off to a rough start. I've just been feeling so mixed up. I still seem to be having a hard time keeping up. With Juliana in the valley for spring break, this house is entirely too quiet.

We miss our baby. Guess we always will. We start Bo's Place on Thursday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Not sure exactly what for...

Friday, March 19, 2010

Day 70

Do It Anyway
Martina McBride

You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great but sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy
And it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love them anyway

God is great but sometimes life ain't good

And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you can believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love anyway

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Day 69

This learning to live again is killing me...

This week has been difficult. I know God has a plan. I know this must be part of his plan.
But there are so many days that I struggle to see the good in all of this. I pray that one day I will find my place in this world, however temporary my time here may be. Maybe then I will see...  

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Day 67

One step forward...Two steps back...

Monday, March 15, 2010

Day 66

Zavier is 6 months old today.

Felix and I went to the cemetary and to our surprise, Zavier's headstone has arrived. It was quite the bittersweet moment. It is beautiful, with his picture and a vase for flowers. I will post a picture tomorrow. We left a little toy and some flowers.

Somehow seeing the words, 'Our Zavier lives', etched in stone on his headstone brings a bit of comfort.

Is Zavier getting bigger in heaven? Does he loook the same? Is he getting older? Does he take naps? Everyday I wish he was here. I guess saying something over and over and over again doesn't make it real or magically make it happen.

On our way to the cemetary I read this outside of a church..."To have a testimony, first you must go through a test".

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Day 65

For the past couple of days I've had so much to say...too much I guess. Couldn't get the mess in my mind organized enough to get it out.

My Zavier is teaching me to live.

I am learning to lay it all down at the feet of the Lord. I've learned that I have always had faith but now there is an undeniable conviction behind my belief. I am learning to believe without reservations. My beliefs are becoming the facts of my reality.

I still have more bad days than good. And the pain is still so prominent.

He would've been 6 months old tomorrow. I had been anxiously awaiting the 6 month mark. I used to think of all the fun we'd be having as he became bigger and stronger.

Despite it all, or maybe because of it all, I know God is working in my life. As strong as I can feel the pain, I can feel the presence of our Lord.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Day 62

It seems to be slowly getting better...but I feel so guilty  : (

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Day 61

Just when you think it's getting better...

Today I went to class. It was the first day in a new class. I am beginning to dread the whole introduce yourself to the class bit. A classmate shared his story. He had a brush with death and is still here to tell his story. His heart actually stopped for several minutes. I couldn't help but think that he has been, ever so briefly, where my Zavier is. Or at least closer to that place than I've ever been. Maybe I was meant to hear his message of truth and inspiration.

He has been there and back. He spoke with such conviction. And yet, I don't see my glass as half full anymore. My reality reflects my experiences. My reality is in constant conflict as I am torn between pain and possible happiness. I am eternally grateful for my daughter and my husband. I am grateful for the opportunity I was given to meet my boy. To love him and care for him, even for such a short while. 

But I miss him and my broken heart aches.

The class is a human motivation class. I already know it is going to be a difficult class for me at this point in my life. But who knows, maybe I will figure out how to channel some much needed personal motivation.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Day 60

Jesus, Hold Me Now
- Casting Crowns -

Living on my own, thinking for myself
Castles in the sand, temporary wealth
Now the walls are falling down
Now the storms are closing in
And here I am again

Jesus, hold me now
I need to feel you in this place
To know You're by my side
And hear your voice tonight
Jesus, hold me now
I long for your embrace
I'm beat and broken down
I can't find my way out
Jesus, hold me now
Curse this morning sun, drags me into one more day
Of reaping what I've sown, living with my shame
Welcome to my world, and the life that I have made
One day you're a prince, and the next day you're a slave

Lord, I just looked up today
And realized how far away I am from where you are
I don't know what else to pray
Broken at your feet I lay
The life I've torn apart
Jesus, hold me now

Monday, March 8, 2010

Day 59

2 months...My Zavier is still gone...

Still so many questions. I hate that it has been 2 months since I held my boy in my arms. I would literally give my life so that Felix could have his son, Juliana could have her brother.

When I cry I am sad. When I smile I am sad. When I laugh I am sad. When I am at work I am sad. When I'm at home I am sad. When I am angry I am sad. It goes on and on...

But I can smile and I can laugh so I guess that is something.

I still want him back and I miss him more than words. It isn't fair and it just all really sucks. I want to throw a tantrum like a 2 yr old. I want to yell, kick and scream. But at who, at what...my son isn't coming back...

Everyday I think of something I could've done differently. Would this or that have changed the end result? Probably not.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Days 57 & 58

Day 57

No rest for the weary.

Day 58

Last night I slept. Finally slept. Just the night before I was thinking 'no rest for the weary'. We were driving home, home from the valley. We left at midnight (Felix drove) and I slept almost the entire way home. We got home and I slept until 11 AM.

Tomorrow will be 2 months. No doubt it will be another long day... 

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Day 56

It's funny how you always here people say (myself included) how we'd die if anything happened to our children.

Well, the thing is...you don't really die. It is just not that easy. There is nothing sacred. There are children who die. And there are parents who must go on.

Sometimes, I think it is harder to survive. But, I'm making it. Just like so many other parents who have been where I am now. They give me hope. 

I am grateful to all those who have shared their stories with me. These are not only stories of horrible tragedy and loss, but of faith, love and strength.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Day 55

Day 55...I'm still here...

Progress is inevitable. I will figure it out. I am figuring it out.

I used to think I was so strong. For so long, I counted on no one. I thought independence made me strong, needing no one made me strong. I'm not so sure anymore.

I am slowly beginning to realize I don't have to do this all on my own all of the time. And that just might be ok.

A big part of this is mine and mine alone. This pain is mine. It is between my son and I. This is a pain, an ache, a longing that could only come from the greatest of loves and I will embrace it and be grateful. It is a way to feel how connected we were, how connected we still are and I will hold on to that until I am with Zavier again.  

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Day 54

Maybe I am dreaming, after all...

No worries. I'm not crazy. Just wishful thinking.

I'm just in a bad place right now, but I know that even though I can't feel it yet things will get better. I'm not expecting great, or even good at this point, just better.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Day 53

This is going to be a long week. Just like every other, I guess. I am beginning to wonder if the weekends are really any better than the weekdays. Everyday just seems to blend into every other day filled with more of the same...

For awhile, I thought I was doing pretty good. Going to work, going to school, keeping up (barely, but still). I was wrong. I'm not okay. But, I need to feel what I am feeling. Somehow the pain is good for me. It may seem strange, but in a way, it drives home the fact the my son was here and we are still connected, forever connected.  

Monday, March 1, 2010

Day 52

This morning has been pretty horrible. The pain...the feelings almost unbearable. I sat on the sofa and surrounded myself with Zavier's things because I wanted to feel him near me. I sat and cried, loudly, uncontrollably.

I know he is still with us, with me. But...I want to hold him. I want to see him in his crib. I want to bathe him. I want to change his diaper. I want to feed him. I want to hear him cry. I want to smell him and touch him. I want to feel all 13 lbs of him lying on my chest. I want to feel his tiny hands pulling my hair and grab onto my necklace when I put him down. I want to rock him and watch him sleep. I want to feel his tummy as he breathes. I want to see his smile and hear his laugh. Not in pictures, not on video but here in our house, with us. I want him alive.

I want to hear him say his first word and watch him take his first step. I want to hear him say Mommy and Daddy...I want a lifetime of firsts...