Friday, December 24, 2010

Day 350

I realize it must be difficult to understand why with such an awesome family and great friends we need to be alone this holiday season. It is for us but it is also for them. I'm not sure I can explain it but I'll try.

Last Christmas we bought gifts for our kids. This year we bought gifts for Juls and are taking gifts for Zavi to the cemetery. That does something to a person. It breaks a person, somehow. It takes a whole lot of effort to put on a happy face to not make our family sad. We don't want to ruin the festivities and don't expect anyone to be sad with us. We'd like our families to be happy and celebrate with their kids without our sadness to bring them down.

I think we have to feel how we feel now so that maybe next year it won't be as bad. Last year we celebrated with our daughter and our son. One Christmas with him is not enough. We are getting better,I think. But, it's so hard and it hurts and right now we are missing our son and are sad that he is not here to open presents with his big sister.

January 8, 2 short weeks from today, marks the one year anniversary of Zavier's departure and I can't find a celebration in my heart just yet.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Day 345

I want a miracle, something impossible...

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Day 338

To be busy or not to be...

These past few weeks have been a struggle to say the least. I've been torn between trying to stay busy and trying to be still. As silly as it sounds, the easy way out for me is to stay ridiculously busy. Even as I run around with a million things to do it remains difficult to quiet the thoughts running through my mind.

There's a song that says "I don't even want to be right now" and I totally get it. I can stay busy and keep the thoughts, the darkness and the tears safely tucked away just below the surface but I can't outrun it. I am no match for the grief that threatens to swallow me whole.

I may not be in the mood for it but I am not afraid of it. In my heart, I know I need to be still. I need to let it wash over me again and again and again. Until one day maybe it won't.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Day 331

331 days later and I finally understand how such a tragedy, the loss of a little life, can destroy a family.

A father loses his only son. A mother loses a baby. And a sister loses a brother. I look at my husband and see the best parts of the son that is not here. I see hopes and dreams and what he could've become. I look at my daughter and I can see the sadness in her eyes.

Everyone is recovering in their own unique way. It is so easy to turn within oneself and let everyone kind of do their own thing, do what they need to do to just get by, until one day you realize that isn't enough. It's true that if you are not working together you are working apart.

It is not an easy thing to fix yourself and it's not an easy thing to fix a family.  Everyone makes progress at their own pace. How do you move forward together? How do you do it so no one is left behind?