Day 232

The other night, Zavier's baby monitor was accidentally turned on. It's a monitor in his crib that monitors movement to include breathing and an alarm sounds when there is no movement for 8 seconds. We were in the living room when the alarm sounded. We all went into Zavier's room and Felix turned off the monitor.

A few minutes later, I heard, on a tv show, a mother telling her family how they'd all be alright as long as they were all together. Ya, well, we aren't all together anymore, I thought. One of us is missing. One of us will always be missing.

As I walked into Juliana's room to say goodnight, I saw the lamp on in Zavier's room. I know in my heart, if not in my mind, that is my Zavier letting me know he is not missing at all. He is the exact opposite of missing. He is forever with us.   

Day 230

It was so easy, when our situation was so new to us, to think "Why me, why us?". So many times I've thought "God, I wish it wasn't me standing in these shoes".

Now, seven months later, I can't help but think "Why not me, why not us?". Bad things happen and they can happen to anyone. What ever possessed me to think that this shoudln't be happening to me? It's not about whether I deserved it or not. I don't think I'll ever be sure what it is all about. Sure, there are things I could've done differently. Other choices I could've made. But it's too late now. There is no going back.

Zavier is still here, but he's not. There is no amount of good that can come of this that will be worth my son's life. Still, I will keep Zavier's memory alive in the most honorable ways I can. Because he was here and he matters. He was a son, brother, grandson, nephew, great-grandson and cousin.

When it's all said and done, none of us are any better than anyone else. None of us are above tragedy.

I still wish it wasn't me. I wish it wasn't my son that was taken so suddenly...but I don't wish it was anyone else either.

Day 229

My sister said that my "somewhere in the universe" is Heaven. I like that. There is a piece of my heart forever with Zavier. And I know Zavier is in Heaven. So...there is a piece of me that has gone on to Heaven before me.

Just like there is a piece of each of us, who have loved ones who have gone on before us,  in Heaven.

And one day we will be whole again...

Day 227

I've always heard how people experience phantom pains after the loss of a limb.  Lately, I keep thinking how being forced to exist without Zavier physically here with me is similar. Living as a Mom without your baby is like living without a vital piece of you.

I can almost feel him in my arms, snuggled against my chest. I can feel his little hands pulling my hair. I can feel his breath on my neck. I go into his room and I can smell his sweet baby scent. I am so afraid of losing that.

I know I will never be whole again. There is a piece of my heart somewhere in the universe. Lost to me forever. Because with my Zavier forever is a part of me.

Day 223

Smiling gets easier on the outside. I wonder when it gets easier on the inside.

I ran into a friend today. We were pregnant at the same time. Our babies born a couple of weeks apart. Her baby just started walking. I smiled and touched the baby's little hand.

My heart pounded and I could sense my breath threatening to leave my body. The tears carefully hidden just beneath the surface. Felix was with me and I knew we were thinking the same things, wondering about our own boy. Feeling the same undeniable pain.

Day 222

More from The Last Time I Was Me by Cathy Lamb

But while I was smiling...

My heart ached...I knew it always would.

But I smiled brighter because that's what grieving people have to do. They have to cover their grief up and pack it away and not burden everyone, but I ached all over.

Day 214

Last night, shortly after I reminded Juls to send her brother my way should she happen to see him in her dreams, I walked by Zavier's room and saw his lamp on.

Day 213

What a day...

We miss our baby. So much. Juls misses her brother and that alone is enough to break my heart. I woke up this morning to a very sad Juls. She said she'd been having nightmares about Zavier. I questioned why they were nightmares and not just dreams. She said she was scared that in her dream it was the day he would die and she'd have to live through that all over again...

She is 9 years old.

I told her not to worry. I told her that Zavier probably wanted to see her so he visited in her dreams. I told her to please tell her brother to come see his mommy next time she saw him...

Day 212

It has been 7 months since I've held my baby boy.

It's 3:30 in the afternoon and I'm still in my pajamas. I am trying to find the....I don't know...want to, maybe...to get up.

Ok. I'm going to clean, run, go to the cemetery and spend the day missing Zavier. Just as I have for the past 211 days and as I imagine I will for all the days to come.

Day 210

I received a copy of the police report today in the mail.

I am sadder than usual. The kind of sad that's hard to hide. I couldn't read it all. It still seems so strange to me that it is about my Zavier. I had one of those moments where I still couldn't believe this happened to us.

Earlier this week, I woke up, turned on the TV and I guess Juls must've been watching TV in my room because Handy Manny was on. I used to dress Zavier in the mornings before work and lay him on my bed. I'd put on Handy Manny while I got dressed myself (on account of I thought he was too young for the morning news).

I don't know if it's worse to wake up thinking for a second that he is here or to wake up knowing he is gone.

Day 209

Faithful
by Steve Curtis Chapman

I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.
God You are faithful.


I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.

So faithful...

Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...

You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...
When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...

...You're faithful...

Day 206

Zavier's birthday is coming up so ridiculously quickly. It doesn't escape me for one second that I should be planning a birthday party. Instead, I'm working hard to preserve memories.

I got a flyer in the mail from Toys R Us the other day. It was a checklist of preparations to make for baby's 1st birthday. How's that for a slap in the face? For an instant, I couldn't breathe or maybe I didn't want to.

You know, I read What To Expect When You're Expecting and What To Expect The First Year. I guess I missed What to Expect When You Bury Your Baby.

I know that must sound harsh but some days are worse than others.

On a positive note, we really are working hard to preserve Zavier's memory and to contribute in some way to Stop SIDS on behalf of Team Zavier. Details to follow.

Day 205

"Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely..."

1 Corinthians 13:12 (NLT)