Thursday, April 29, 2010

Day 111

there is so much i don't want to ever forget.

the week before zavier left us, i recorded him laughing on my cell phone. i have since replaced the cell phone so I could keep it in a safe place without worrying that it would break or get lost. i've only been able to hear it once or twice but at least i know it is there when i'm ready. his laugh was set as my ring tone the day zavier left us. i'm not sure if zavier left us or if he was taken from us. i guess, the end result is the same.

i went shopping a couple days ago and saw a pair of pants I just had to buy him. i know it is crazy.  i know he will never wear them. but they were exactly the kind of thing he would've worn if he were here. a tiny pair of pants with the word "ROCKER" across the backside. and i miss shopping for him. i miss so many, many things.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Day 107

I woke up this morning an angry person. How could I celebrate another year of my life when my son did not get to experience even his first birthday? This day reminds me that I will not have the privilege of parties and celebrations with Zavier. Will there ever be another true celebration in my world? I'm not sure.

This evening as I walked into Zavier's room to turn on his nightlight I could smell him as strongly as if he were sleeping in his crib. That sweet baby scent caught me off guard. But, I am grateful that I can now smile through my pain. I am grateful that I can still see his smiling face so clearly in my mind.

Today is my birthday. A birthday that brings me that much closer to the day I see my boy. It was a difficult day made so much easier by my friends and family.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Day 105

Still sad...Still waiting...Still missing...Still wishing...Still angry...still hurting..Still broken...Still crying...

Still hoping...Still smiling...Still loving...Still praying...Still believing

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Day 102

The following is taken from a daily devotional that a good friend e-mails me daily.

Wisdom from the Psalms

Psalm 46 : 1
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

The cross I wear around my neck is not there for show, nor is it the object of my worship. I would not be lost without it, though I do like it. I do not believe it has some mystical power, nor does it protect me. The cross that I wear reminds me of the great love that God has for me. Christ's gift of eternal life is made real to me each time I look down at the cross or feel it lightly resting on my chest. In difficult times, I look at the cross and feel warmth and comfort. From its gentle reminder I draw strength when I am weary, refuge when I need to rest. Whether I wear my cross or not, God is with me, but sometimes it is nice to have a small reminder.

Prayer: I run to You when I need rest, Lord. You take me in Your arms and protect me from the pressures of the day. In every time of trial, You are the source of my help. Thank You, Amen.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Day 101

Last night I dreamt of my son. This is only the second time I've seen Zavier in a dream. The first time, many weeks ago, I dreamt that he was sent here to teach us to pray. The image of him in that dream, was just that, an image. I saw him as I would see him in a photo.

Last night, the dream was so real. Zavier was sitting on the floor in the living room. Sitting!!! I'd never had the chance to see him sit up. He was wearing a diaper. He was laughing, smiling and happy (as usual). He was splashing his hands in a tupperware bowl filled with water, having a blast. He even tried to stand up, only to fall right back onto his bottom...

Then, I woke up. For just the briefest of moments, I allowed myself to believe that what I dreamt was my reality. Waking up this morning was as difficult as it has ever been.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Day 100

Wow. It still takes my breath away everytime I realize that this is real.  I still feel that choking, stabbing pain in my chest when I have to say "My son died." Some days I know that we will be ok. Other days, I just can't see how. I have lived 100 days without my son. I have cried so many tears that I can't help but wonder how there are any left. Some days I am convinced the sun will shine again and other days that same sun seems light years away. Some days I am right back in that hospital room, holding my tiny baby boy, begging him to just breathe, begging God to give him life. So many images that are burned into my soul, etched forever into my memory.

It is unlikely that I will ever understand. But I guess the good news is that I don't have to. That God has a plan and He understands will be enough for me. That is easier said than done, but I am trying. Everyday I will thank God for giving his son so that one day I will see my son again. 

Friday, April 16, 2010

Day 97

Zavier would have been 7 months old today. The would have been part is what kills me. I miss him more and more everyday. I try to remember that everyday is one day closer to seeing him again.

It's still not fair. I miss so many things that we never even had a chance to experience. I want to see him sit up. I want to see him in his highchair. I want to see him make a mess of his food. I want to see him crawl around the garage with his dad. I want to rock him after his bath.

I just want to see him. I miss him so much.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Day 94

A strange thing happened this evening. I was thinking about Zavier as I was driving to run an errand. To my amazement, I found myself smiling. I was thinking about Zavier and specifically about the moment when we will see each other again. In that moment, as that one thought consumed me, I was excited. Excited at the thought of seeing my son again. I was excited, hopeful, happy and at peace in that moment.

I thank God for that moment.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Day 93

This past Thursday marked 3 months without Zavier. Remarkably, the day was not horrible. Most days I'm just not sure how I feel. There are moments now of intense pain and difficult memories. Then, there are moments of not quite happiness yet not quite misery. But the hole in my heart, the hole at the core of my existence remains.  Maybe this is it, how it will always be...

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Day 86

Today is Easter. I've spent the long weekend missing Zavier. I sat in his room with some of his little clothes in my lap. I let the tears fall. Those endless tears that are never far these days.

Some days I do feel a little better. But these past few days have seemed so much more difficult for some reason.

But, Jesus is risen and I know, despite my own selfish pain, that is reason to celebrate. By his death and resurection I am assured that my son is safe and happy now in the arms of our God. 

Until I see you again, Little One...