Saturday, July 31, 2010

Day 204

Just because I didn't get a miracle doesn't mean they don't exist...

Friday, July 30, 2010

Day 203

Everything makes me sad.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Day 202


I'm going to pray. I'm going to pray like I used to. I'm going to pray every night. I'm going to stop yelling at God. I'm going to stop blaming Him and I'm going to try to get rid of this anger that constantly threatens to overwhelm me.

I'm going to spill my guts to Him though I'm sure He knows how I feel. I'm going to try harder to be stronger and stay positive. I will try to let go. Let go of the anger, let go of the hurt,the sense that He betrayed me and the guilt. I don't expect it to happen right away and I don't expect it to be easy. But, I don't think I'll ever be OK if I can't let go and let God...

I'm going to pray because I don't know what else to do. I hope that's not wrong.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Day 200

200 days. I think I'll just lay here and cry for now.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Day 199

SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks.  SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks.  SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks. SIDS Sucks.

I hate you SIDS for taking Zavier from us. I hate you for taking babies from their mommies.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Day 198

I can't get over this.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Day 197

I missed church one Sunday. One Sunday has turned into close to two months of Sundays. Up until January 8, 2010, I prayed daily. I gave thanks and prayed for the safety of my friends and family and countless other things. I still pray but it's not the same. These days, I am prepared for disappointment. I count on nothing. Take nothing for granted.

I want to go back to church but I want to be able to do it without anger, without tears.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Day 192

Isaiah 49:15-16

For the past few months I've held these words close to my heart. I think of Zavier and how I will never forget him. He is such a part of me.

Today a friend reminded me that just as I will never forget my son, God has not forgotten us, will never forget us. He holds us all in his hands for always. All of us, Felix, Erica, Juliana and Zavier.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Day 188

My Zavier is 10 months old today. I never know whether to say 'he is or was or should've been'. Juls gets upset when I say was. Do we age in Heaven?

I should be toting around a happy, smiling 10 month old baby boy. I should be watching him crawl around and trying to stand up. I should be hearing him laugh, watching him play. But, I'm not.

Instead...I go to the cemetary religiously, almost. I take flowers and toys. I try to convince myself that I'm alright. But, I can't bring myself to put his things away, to close the door to his room, to not turn on his nightlight, to wash the clothes in his hamper.

What if I stay broken?

Not a day goes by that I don't miss my Zavi.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Day 185

This past Friday, I jogged a few miles on a long, winding road. The weather was nice and warm with a slight breeze. The scenery was breathtaking. As I ran, I tried to get my mind to be not think. Before I knew it, I realized I was thanking God. It used to be part of my routine. Not so much these days.

Oh, I am still angry and for the most part I just want to be mad for now. I realize that it is not just Zavier's sudden departure that I am angry about. Thinking about Zavier's life and feeling the loss of my son has forced me to take a look at who I was, who I am and who I want to become.

Yes, I am angry and one day I will have to figure out how to let that anger go but I am also very grateful.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Day 181

It's been 6 months today...My heart hurts.

I hope that one day I can say I'm alright and have it be true.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Day 179

Every single day, for the past 179 days, I have wished with all my heart that Zavier was here. I am tired of the hurt that doesn't go away. I am tired of the tears that come as they please. More and more,  it seems I am standing still.

I keep hearing about how I have to work through this. What does that even mean?

I used to run so I'd have time to think. Now, I workout so I won't think. A nervous breakdown of some sort is starting to look somewhat appealing. I'm kidding...kind of.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Day 177

So many thoughts have filled my mind the past few days. I've just been unsure which ones I should throw out here, into the world.

Today is the 4th of July. Last year at this time, Zavier was safe and sound in my belly, enjoying the waves in the ocean and I was happy. So sure that this year I would be celebrating with my kids. Instead, everything is so heartbreakingly different. Different than it was...than what I imagined it would be.

I just wish he was here so bad it hurts...I wanted to take my boy to the beach, watch fireworks...and now I just wish I could see him. It's been almost 6 months since I last saw my baby and I don't want to think about how one day it will be six years since I've seen him.