Day 143

Crazy as it sounds, it seems my life was less complicated when Zavier was still here.
Maybe it is because I didn't fully realize how quickly everything can fall apart. Everything is a question these days. Everything means so much more. Priorities have taken on a whole new meaning. Nothing quite means the same thing it did 6 months ago.
I've got no direction. If only I could figure out why I'm here...

Day 136

I miss him so much. It takes my breath away.

Day 134

It takes everything I have, on some days, not to throw in the towel and run away. Run to where? Run to what? Who knows...who cares... Just run. Never stop running. Just go. Don't think. Don't plan. Don't feel. Don't remember.

But giving up the bad means giving up the good.

Day 131

I've been doing a lot of thinking these days. The feelings keep coming fast and furious.

On Sunday, a friend sent Felix a text letting us know he'd seen Juls on a billboard. I told Juls and immediately saw the excitement in her eyes. I suggested we take a drive and take a look for ourselves.

The actual picture is a couple years old and I couldn't help but be reminded even though she is growing up she is still our little girl. I've begun to think that maybe that's a sign. Literally, for sure. But, beyond that it is a sign to me, a reminder that Juls is still very much here. "Here I am, Mom." that sign seemed to say to me. And even though we are hurting and continue with our daily struggle as we deal with the gaping hole in our family, she is still here. And she needs us to be here, mentally, emotionally and physically.

So....slowly but surely, I'm making my way back. Never the same, but I'm coming back.

Day 127

Zavier is 8 months old today. I'd give anything to be with him today, to see him today.  How is it that I can miss so many things I didn't even have the opportunity to experience with him?

I am slowly becoming more comfortable with the idea that I will walk this earth without ever again being complete...whole. I will forever feel the absence of my boy.     

Day 125

As we drove across town this evening, I felt the familiar tears start to roll down my cheeks. I was tired. So tired. Of what? I'm not sure. Everything really. Tired of thinking, Tired of being. Tired of life.

As we were leaving Bo's Place, I saw the drawing Juliana worked on this evening. It was a drawing of our family. She drew herself with a smile on her face. She drew her dad who was niether smiling nor frowning. And she drew me with a very noticeable frown and lots of tears.

She proceeded to explain that she meant to draw herself with a frown on her face but she forgot. I told her I was glad she drew herself with a smile. I told her it was good to smile and ok to be happy.

That drawing really hit home. I don't want her to remember me like this. I don't want her to think that my way is the right way or the only way. I will try harder. I am more determined now than ever to figure out how to live.

Day 121

What a day. Yesterday marked 4 months that Zavier has been gone. I went to the cemetary this morning. I came home and watched a dvd of Zavier's pictures. My first Mother's Day as a mother of two, even though I never had a Mother's Day with my son. Zavier's absence today was overwhelming. As we sat to eat dinner, I felt so strongly that he is missing. He is here, yet he is still gone. I wanted more than ever to hold him, to have saved him. Today I am hurting.

And still I think,

How can I be angry at a God who has given me such an amazing Mother?

Day 116

I had a busy day today. Lots to do. I muddled through with a lump in my throat, with a weight on my chest. I knew this day would come.

Zavier lived with us on this earth for a short 116 days. Today he has been gone for 116 days. The days he was here seem to have flown by. The days that he has been gone have been the longest days of my life. Soon my son will have been in Heaven longer than he was here with me. 

It makes me so unbelievably angry. I look into an empty crib and wonder where God was while my son was taking his last breath. Our God who has a plan. Our God who knows our hearts. I want to take the easy way out and just be angry. Be consumed by anger. Sometimes, I think it's easier than pain and emptiness. I want to blame God. As I held my son 116 days ago in that hospital, I did not feel God. I felt alone. I felt cold. I felt fear. I felt horror, shock and disbelief. I felt waves and waves of unbearable pain as I prayed, begged that I be dreaming.

This evening as I walked across the house I noticed a bright light coming from Zavier's room. His lamp was on again. Whatever the reason, be it some electrical malfunction, a draft, the a/c...Whatever the reason, I felt a little better.   

Day 114

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

from the childre n's book Love You Forever by Robert Munsch

Day 113

Today has been a sad, sad day. I spent a long while laying on the floor in Zavier's room wishing he was here. I feel so restless, so unsettled. I am running out of patience. I can feel the tension that has become a disturbing part of our little family. We are all trying... but it almost feels like we are just spinning our wheels, getting nowhere. 

We still want things to be how they used to be. I guess moving forward means letting go of our desire to turn back time. Things around here will forever be always never the same.