Day 116

I had a busy day today. Lots to do. I muddled through with a lump in my throat, with a weight on my chest. I knew this day would come.

Zavier lived with us on this earth for a short 116 days. Today he has been gone for 116 days. The days he was here seem to have flown by. The days that he has been gone have been the longest days of my life. Soon my son will have been in Heaven longer than he was here with me. 

It makes me so unbelievably angry. I look into an empty crib and wonder where God was while my son was taking his last breath. Our God who has a plan. Our God who knows our hearts. I want to take the easy way out and just be angry. Be consumed by anger. Sometimes, I think it's easier than pain and emptiness. I want to blame God. As I held my son 116 days ago in that hospital, I did not feel God. I felt alone. I felt cold. I felt fear. I felt horror, shock and disbelief. I felt waves and waves of unbearable pain as I prayed, begged that I be dreaming.

This evening as I walked across the house I noticed a bright light coming from Zavier's room. His lamp was on again. Whatever the reason, be it some electrical malfunction, a draft, the a/c...Whatever the reason, I felt a little better.