Monday, November 29, 2010

Day 326

...can't shake it this time...

The thoughts running through my mind are not pretty. They are angry and sad and lonely and mean and quite frankly they scare me. I almost feel guilty of the ugliness in my head and my heart. This is not the season, after all...

Today, I am not sitting calmly at my laptop typing. I am crying loudly as I listen to the rain fall outside. I am struggling to type through the tears. My teeth are chattering for some unexplainable reason and I can feel the onset of a dull headache that is sure to be with me for some time.

Today, I am tired of trying to make things better. My truth today is that I know Zavier is in Heaven but right now that is not enough. I want it all back. I want him here with us. I want to see my baby. I want to hold him and hear him laugh and hear him cry.

Last year, I hung Zavier's "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornament. Yesterday, I hung a picture of my dead son in an ornament on our Christmas tree. In what world does that make sense? It hurts so much. I want to scream and curse and break things. I want to run away to a world where mama's don't bury their babies in the cold, dark earth. I know these words are horrible and selfish and I am ashamed but today this is my truth.

I know it's not about me and that there is a bigger picture but today I can only feel what is going on in my world. Somewhere in me I know that God will give me a better tomorrow...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Day 320

The happy holidays are hard to face when such an important part of my family, of my life, of my very heart is not here to share it with us. I've heard it said that when you dread the holidays the anticipation of the day is worse than the actual day. I'm not sure it's the actual day that I'm dreading.

As it becomes evident that the holiday season is indeed upon us, I realize that it is the season I dread this year. It is so hard for me to get excited about the holidays or even to find that old holiday spirit. I catch glimpses of Christmas decorations and listen to plans for Thanksgiving celebrations. I know I have plenty to be thankful for but I am not thankful that my baby boy is not here. I don't feel grateful that my family is not together. Last year, we had so much to look forward to or so we thought. And now, this year I am taking a tiny Christmas tree to the cemetary instead of sitting my boy in front of the tree for pictures and presents.

I am asking the Lord to please help me to keep the bitterness from stealing away my heart this holiday season.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Day 317

I Will Trust You
by Steven Curtis Chapman

I don't even want to breathe right now
All I want to do is close my eyes
But I don't want to open them again
Until I'm standing on the other side

I don't even want to be right now
I don't want to think another thought
And I don't want to feel this pain I feel
And right now, pain is all I've got

It feels like it's all I've got, but I know it's not
No, I know You're all I've got
And I will trust You
Trust you, God, I will
Even when I don't understand, even then I will say again
You are amy God, and I will trust You.

God, I'm longing for the day to come
When this cloudy glass I'm looking through
Is shattered in a million pieces
And finally I can just see You

God, You know I believe it's true
I know I will see You
But until the day I do

I will trust You, trust You
Trust you, God, I will
Even when I don't understand
Even then I will say again

You are my God, and I'll trust You
And with every breath I take
And for every day that breaks...

Monday, November 15, 2010

Day 311

Last night as I drove home on that dark rainy night I found myself telling Zavier (in my mind not out loud) that I wish I knew he was proud of his Mama. I was near tears as I told him things I was sure he already knew. I told him how hard we were working to put Team Zavier on a path that would reach parents and their babies. I told him I was so tired but if I knew we were helping in some way it'd be worth it.

Life does not stop so you can grieve. Grief happens on top of everything else. You work, you study, you parent, you clean, you help and you grieve. It's literally exhausting...physically and emotionally exhausting...

But this afternoon when I looked into Zavier's room after work his lamp was on. I knew that was my Zavier telling his Mama that he is proud. That was our Zavier cheering on the Team Zavier that he inspires. I stood in his room for a few moments and let the feeling that my son is near wash over me. I left his room more convinced than ever.

Stronger. Energized. Motivated. Hopeful once again.

Only With God's Grace...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Day 310

Earlier this week I was presented with the opportunity to talk with a film student working on a documentary about SIDS. He was interested in interviewing parents of babies who have died of SIDS. My first instinct was to respond and say I'd do whatever I could to help and so I did.

As the week went on, I began to think of the logistics of it all. The interview was to take place this weekend. I had several prior commitments already planned. We had family coming in from out of town. I'd already signed up for a service project at church and had tickets to another function. The interview was to take place a few hours away in a neighboring state. As the details ran through my mind and I tried to figure out a way to make it all work I began to get a little nervous.

Being the worrier (and I'm not necessarily proud that I'm a worrier) that I am, I started playing the old "what if" game with myself. Of course, none of the "what if" scenerios in my head ended happily. I still didn't know exactly where I'd be going nor had I met the film students working on the project and I knew my husband was a little nervous about the whole thing.

This morning I prayed about it. I asked God to please let me know if I was making the right decision in making this trip. I prayed that the documentary would be used for good, to help give our babies a voice.

In that moment, a specific thought came to me. To make a difference, you have to step outside your comfort zone. About a week ago, I heard that message at an Inspire Women ( conference I attended. Those words were suddenly so clear in my mind that I knew I had to go. And so, with my sister as my co-pilot, I did.

I am so glad we took advantage of the opportunity with which we were presented. The interview was not easy but we met some very nice people with big hearts. If we can bring awareness to new parents and in turn help them keep their babies safe then our united efforts are so worth it.

With God's Grace, all things are possible.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Day 303

I can't believe this year is going by so quickly and so slowly all at once. This morning, on day 303, I woke up and for the first time in 303 days I didn't feel like screaming. I am learning to let my pain inspire me. 

Team Zavier is what keeps me going on the days I have no desire to face the world. So many days I've contemplated becoming a hermit of sorts : ) But, With God's Grace, Team Zavier is determined to make a difference.

We are in the process of creating "With God's Grace Goodie Bags" to distribute to new parents in our area. Our goal for this year is to create 200 bags that include a "Sleep Safe" pacifier, a "Sleep Safe, Baby!" onesie, and printed information on steps parents and caregivers can take to prevent SIDS.

So keep your fingers crossed for Team Zavier ( or better yet keep us in your prayers because in the depths of my soul I know God is Good.