Monday, November 29, 2010

Day 326

...can't shake it this time...

The thoughts running through my mind are not pretty. They are angry and sad and lonely and mean and quite frankly they scare me. I almost feel guilty of the ugliness in my head and my heart. This is not the season, after all...

Today, I am not sitting calmly at my laptop typing. I am crying loudly as I listen to the rain fall outside. I am struggling to type through the tears. My teeth are chattering for some unexplainable reason and I can feel the onset of a dull headache that is sure to be with me for some time.

Today, I am tired of trying to make things better. My truth today is that I know Zavier is in Heaven but right now that is not enough. I want it all back. I want him here with us. I want to see my baby. I want to hold him and hear him laugh and hear him cry.

Last year, I hung Zavier's "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornament. Yesterday, I hung a picture of my dead son in an ornament on our Christmas tree. In what world does that make sense? It hurts so much. I want to scream and curse and break things. I want to run away to a world where mama's don't bury their babies in the cold, dark earth. I know these words are horrible and selfish and I am ashamed but today this is my truth.

I know it's not about me and that there is a bigger picture but today I can only feel what is going on in my world. Somewhere in me I know that God will give me a better tomorrow...

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