...can't shake it this time...
The thoughts running through my mind are not pretty. They are angry and sad and lonely and mean and quite frankly they scare me. I almost feel guilty of the ugliness in my head and my heart. This is not the season, after all...
Today, I am not sitting calmly at my laptop typing. I am crying loudly as I listen to the rain fall outside. I am struggling to type through the tears. My teeth are chattering for some unexplainable reason and I can feel the onset of a dull headache that is sure to be with me for some time.
Today, I am tired of trying to make things better. My truth today is that I know Zavier is in Heaven but right now that is not enough. I want it all back. I want him here with us. I want to see my baby. I want to hold him and hear him laugh and hear him cry.
Last year, I hung Zavier's "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornament. Yesterday, I hung a picture of my dead son in an ornament on our Christmas tree. In what world does that make sense? It hurts so much. I want to scream and curse and break things. I want to run away to a world where mama's don't bury their babies in the cold, dark earth. I know these words are horrible and selfish and I am ashamed but today this is my truth.
I know it's not about me and that there is a bigger picture but today I can only feel what is going on in my world. Somewhere in me I know that God will give me a better tomorrow...
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