Sunday, October 31, 2010

Day 296

The days continue to fly by too quickly. Too many days have passed since I last heard my baby boy laugh, saw him smile and held him in my arms. I want the world to stop more than ever before. I want to hibernate through the holidays.

It seems Zavier was here with us just for the holidays. He should be running around in whatever crazy costume his big sister and daddy would have come up with for him. I can't be happy through the holidays and truth be told I don't want to be. I want to sit and sulk and cry and scream and miss my baby.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Day 286

I still miss him so very much...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Day 282

I try to convince myself that I don't want another baby. This did happen for a reason, after all. And if I can't figure out what that reason is, then.....

Or maybe there is no reason and that is scarier still. I tell myself that we wanted 2 kids and we had 2 kids.  Before Zavier was born, we decided to try to have a baby for a year and if it didn't happen that would be ok, too.

What makes everything so different now? Is it that I know how happy Zavier made us? Is it that I know now how it feels to know Juls has a brother? Is it the laughter and giggles and hundreds of pictures that filled our home with our baby here?

I tell myself I don't want another baby. And then, as I find myself out in the real world surrounded by babies, the reality of my empty arms overwhelms me and I am consumed by a longing that can shred my already broken heart...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Day 278

I'll start by saying Juliana had a good birthday. She is super excited to finally be in the double digits she says. I thank God that we have a happy, healthy Juls.
But as selfish as it sounds I keep thinking of our Zavier and all the birthdays we will never get to celebrate with him. For me, Juls birthday has always meant that the holidays are near. Halloween is right around the corner, then Thanksgiving and before you know it Christmas. It seems that our boy was just here to visit for the holiday season and then left us so suddenly.

I am not ready for the holidays. I don't feel like celebrating. I want, more than ever, to hide in a dark room and cry and scream and laugh hysterically until I no longer have a voice as if somehow that will magically bring Zavier back to us.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Day 276

Contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all wounds. As the days go by, I've found that my pain is not at all diminished but my coping skills have improved. Each day I am better able to deal with everyday life. The constant lump in my throat gets a little smaller. Every once in a while my smile is from the heart and my laughter does not sound hollow to my own ears.

Tomorrow is Juliana's 10th birthday. And our loss is more apparent now than ever. I don't think there will ever be a family event that feels complete. I can't imagine a time when we don't take a minute to imagine what it would be like if our Zavier were here.

I can almost here the pitter patter of little feet...

Monday, October 4, 2010

Day 269

The month of October is designated Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

On January 8, 2010 my 15 week old son lost his life to SIDS. My tiny little boy has inpired me to be an advocate for awareness, education and prevention of SIDS. Through awareness and education we can save little lives.

Team Zavier, created in memory of Zavier, has raised over $2000 to be donated to the American SIDS Institute in January.   

It has been nine months since I've held Zavier in my arms. My life is forever changed by the footprints my son has etched in my heart.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Day 267

In my own little world
It rains a little everyday
That's ok
I kinda like it that way