Day 282

I try to convince myself that I don't want another baby. This did happen for a reason, after all. And if I can't figure out what that reason is, then.....

Or maybe there is no reason and that is scarier still. I tell myself that we wanted 2 kids and we had 2 kids.  Before Zavier was born, we decided to try to have a baby for a year and if it didn't happen that would be ok, too.

What makes everything so different now? Is it that I know how happy Zavier made us? Is it that I know now how it feels to know Juls has a brother? Is it the laughter and giggles and hundreds of pictures that filled our home with our baby here?

I tell myself I don't want another baby. And then, as I find myself out in the real world surrounded by babies, the reality of my empty arms overwhelms me and I am consumed by a longing that can shred my already broken heart...