Sunday, September 26, 2010

Day 261

On Friday evening I sat outside with my husband and my daughter. Juls and I played cards while Felix grilled some chicken. We talked about how our lives should be so different right now. We sat around and missed our baby. We wondered out loud how our boy would look now that he'd turned one.

I want to run around after a one year old. I want Felix to have a son and Juliana to have a brother. It amazes me how I still get that "I can't believe this happened" sensation.

This morning I drove to the cemetary. I sat at Zavier's headstone and cried. I listened to the music that played during the viewing at the funeral home. I read him a story. I took down his Happy Birthday balloons. This is all I can do for my son now. It hurts my heart that I can't imagine what he'd look like. I still picture in my mind the chubby little cheeks of a Zavier about to turn 4 months old.  I don't even see him in my dreams.

I miss knowing that my kids are asleep down the hall. I miss feeling safe and secure. I miss thinking that as long as we are together we'll be alright. We are not all together anymore and perhaps we'll never be any better than just alright. I miss happiness.   

Monday, September 20, 2010

Day 255

Some days are harder than others. But some days are a little better too.

It gets difficult trying to figure out how Juls and Felix are doing. I feel I have to do what I can to help us all and I'm not always convinced I know how to do that. There are times that I feel we are moving in the right direction. Then, I look around and realize how sad and angry we all still are when no one is looking.

My prayer tonight is asking the Lord to please show me how to heal our broken hearts.

I do not want to fail my family.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Day 251

There is hope for me yet
Because God won't forget
All the plans He's made for me
I have to wait and see
He's not finished with me yet

Wait and See by Brandon Heath

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Day 250

Happy First Birthday to my Zavier. I hope there are birthday parties in Heaven. I will love my boy as long as forever.  

I think this has been the longest I've gone without posting since I started this blog. I've just been so mixed up.

Zavier turns 1 yr old today. He is celebrating in Heaven with other angel babies. That doesn't stop me from  wishing he was here with us. This morning I went to Zavier's room and I was so sure his lamp would be on and it was. I know in my heart he is never far. Still, it is not the same.

I know we are blessed that God chose us for his parents. God chose us to be his family. It just still hurts so bad to wake up and realize he is not in his room. I wish I'd taken him outside more. I wish I'd looked at his little bare feet just a bit longer.

I know we should celebrate his life; the simple fact that he was here. He left his little footprint forever in my heart and always in our lives. I'm just so sad. I can be grateful. I can thank the Lord for giving him to us. But I just don't have it in me to celebrate just yet.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Day 241

Recently, I was asked to pick 3 words that best describe me.  Within a few days, I was asked a similar question. But, this time the question called for 5 words. It surprised me how much trouble I had with that seemingly simple task. Last year, at this time I can only imagine I would've chosen words like independent, strong, happy...

Today, the words lost, sad and searching are more about me. Fortunately, I was inspired to take a closer look at where I am in my life and who I am these days. I wouldn't exactly call myself well. I'm working on it, though. Maybe I'll be working on it for the rest of my life.

With a lot of help from family and friends we've made progress on the TEAM ZAVIER front. And that is something that is helping me make it through this month. It is enough to make waking up just a little bit easier. Team Zavier has work to do.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Day 236

This is going to be a tough month. It is back to school time for my daughter and the beginning of a busier schedule.

But it is also the month during which I should be busy planning a birthday party. Zavier's first birthday should've been on the 15th. For some reason, September always reminds me that the holidays are fast approaching. These are all things I'm just not ready for.

Hibernation is starting to look mighty appealing. Okay, I'm kidding. I'll figure out how to make it through the rest of the year even if it means I'll be dragging my feet along the way.