Day 261

On Friday evening I sat outside with my husband and my daughter. Juls and I played cards while Felix grilled some chicken. We talked about how our lives should be so different right now. We sat around and missed our baby. We wondered out loud how our boy would look now that he'd turned one.

I want to run around after a one year old. I want Felix to have a son and Juliana to have a brother. It amazes me how I still get that "I can't believe this happened" sensation.

This morning I drove to the cemetary. I sat at Zavier's headstone and cried. I listened to the music that played during the viewing at the funeral home. I read him a story. I took down his Happy Birthday balloons. This is all I can do for my son now. It hurts my heart that I can't imagine what he'd look like. I still picture in my mind the chubby little cheeks of a Zavier about to turn 4 months old.  I don't even see him in my dreams.

I miss knowing that my kids are asleep down the hall. I miss feeling safe and secure. I miss thinking that as long as we are together we'll be alright. We are not all together anymore and perhaps we'll never be any better than just alright. I miss happiness.