Day 29

This morning I awoke to a house filled with suffocating silence. I lay there as usual dreading the long day ahead. Felix was already at work. I heard a TV turn on and slowly made my way to the living room to check on Juliana.

She was laying on the sofa with one of her baby brother's baby blankets and two pictures of him. I began to move the pictures so I could sit beside her. She quickly interupted me. She wanted me to leave the pictures alone. She was pretending her brother was there with her.

How do I not crumble? What do I say? What I want most is to pretend with her. I want to say, "Great idea. Let's do it. Let's forget for a while." Instead, I sit on the other side of her as she begins to cry. I feel her pain, I feel Felix's pain and then there is the world of hurt that is mine alone. How do I help them? I lack the knowledge, the understanding. I do not have the words that will make a difference.

I tell Juliana to go ahead and cry, that it is ok and I will cry with her.  After what seems like an eternity, we get up. We drive to the cemetary. This is the first time Juls goes with me since the day of the funeral. Our mood seems to improve during the drive. She claims to like it there. She draws, with her finger, in the sand on our baby's spot. 'I love you' she writes.

She is reluctant to leave. She seems peaceful. She talks about taking balloons and gifts to Zavier for Valentine's Day. As we walk to the Jeep, she whispers to her brother that we will be back soon. I gently remind her that Zavier will not stay at the cemetary. We are his family. We are a part of his home. Where we go, he goes. Forever a family. Always Zavier.  

Day 28

4 weeks. It has been a long difficult week. I sincerely thank God for the absolutely awesome people he continues to put in my path. The journey continues to scare, confound and amaze me.

As if to prove my point, when I stopped to check the mail after work, I found an article from a prison newspaper sent to me by one of the awesome people in my life. It was the most perfect end to the insanity of my week. I can't imagine how this must sound, but I honestly feel this message may have been from God himself. 

A Baby Asked God
Submitted by Arturo Salazar
            Rudd Unit

A baby asked God: I heard that you are going to send me down to earth.

God answered: Yes, I'm sending you to your new home and you will live there 'til it's time for you to come back.

The baby asked God: But why, if here I don't do anything else but sing songs and be happy?

God answered: In your new home, you will have a family, and you will also sing songs and be happy, and you will be loved.

The baby asked God: But who will take care of me?

God answered: Your angels will be waiting for you. Your angels will take care of you and will also protect you, even with their own lives.

The baby asked: But how would I talk to my angels if I don't speak their language?

God answered: Your angels will teach you how to talk and will also tell you the sweetest things you have ever heard.

The baby asked: But who will play with me?

God answered: Your angels will play with you and will also teach you how to do different things.

The baby asked: But how would I talk to you if I I won't see you anymore?

God answered: Your angels will teach you how to talk to me and put your hands together and pray, and I will always hear you.

The baby asked: God, before you send me down to earth, can you please tell me the name of my angels?

God answered with happiness: You would just sincerely call them, Mom and Dad.

Fear-------Casting Crowns

Oh, what I would do

To have the kind of faith it takes

To climb out of this boat I'm in

Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone

Into the realms of the unknown

Where Jesus is,

And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name

and they laugh at me

Reminding me of all the times

I've tried before and failed

The waves they keep on telling me

time and time again

"Boy, you'll never win,

you'll never win,

you'll never win."

Oh, what I would do

to have the kind of strength it takes

To stand before a giant

with just a sling and stone

Surrounded by the sound

of a thousand warriors

shaking in their armour

Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name

And he laughs at me

Reminding me of all the times

I've tried before and failed

The giant keeps on telling me

time and time again

"Boy you'll never win,

you'll never win,

you'll never win."

But the stone was just the right size

to take the giant down

And the waves don't seem so high

when I'm standing on top of them looking down

And I'd soar with the wings of eagles

if I could just ignore the sound

Of the waves and the giants,

the waves and the giants in my mind

Lord, you've not given me a spirit of fear

But of power and of love,

and of a sound mind

So from now on,

I won't let the tempter's lies

turn my eyes away from the prize

That you have set before me.

That you have set before me.

Day 27

Today I pulled into a gas station with my Jeep on empty. I was quickly informed that there was no gas available. I could not help but notice a shiny, black hearse at one of the gas pumps. I'm no longer shocked by these 'coincidences'. Is that God? Maybe...Maybe not. It's clearly been a bad week. I'm sure by now it must be pretty clear the kinds of crazy things that were running madly through my head. I won't even attempt to comment further.

Psalm 13

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish
in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or
I will die.
Don't let my enemies gloat, saying "We have
defeated him!"
Don't let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.

It is very much like I am still trying to catch up with my life. As soon as it seems I am making progess, it all falls apart.

The good news....I still believe.  My faith will not be so easily shattered. I find myself going back to my Day 23 often. I feel the need to read what it is that I believe. I do still believe. My faith will not be destroyed.

Day 26

I don't know where to start. I will keep it short tonight. I'm literally exhausted. Again.

After much debate with myself, I went to class. I dreaded introducing myself. I heard everyone else say a little something about themselves and naturally, a little something about their children. With my heart pounding and legs shaking, so did I.

I got home and began to finish up some school work. After about 5 minutes, we hear a loud boom and all the lights went out. In the words of Bon Jovi....Hey God, Tell me what the hell is going on!!!!!!!!! Give me a flippin' break. I didn't get a miracle, but don't I at least deserve a break for my effort, for not going insane.

I said all of that out loud to Felix. I regret it. He agreed with me. He ranted and raved with me. We have never, both, been so dejected at the same time. It was scary. Usually, it's one of us at a time and the other is there to pick up the pieces.

I wouldn't have been able to sleep without posting my 'Day 26' so I'm at my sister's apt. trying to get as much done as I can.

To this point, possibly the best advice I've received is that maybe....I should stop trying...if only just for a short time. Maybe I should stop trying to be strong, understand, stay positive. Maybe I can just be....be whatever it is I happen to feel like being. Be selfish...think only of myself and my pain...my hell. Not forever, but maybe for a day...or two.

Maybe then I can truly begin to move forward.

The question is: Do I have the courage?

Day 25

I'm getting so tired of this. And it has only been 25 days. I have sincerely been trying. Giving it my all and then some.

Today, I dropped Juliana off at RE (church). I decided to go to the gym for a quick 30 minute workout. I was on the treadmill. I glance up at the television. And the words seem to scream at me....Underestimating SIDS...That is the glaring headline on whatever newstation that happened to be on.

Are you kidding me? Is there not some evil cosmic force trying to crush me? Is that a sign? Is that a message for me? Is that what I'm guilty of?

I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I don't feel like I can do this.

Day 24

Father, Will you come and open up our eyes...

I want to understand, but maybe that is where I am going wrong. Maybe I need to give up trying to understand. Maybe having faith is being able to not always understand. Maybe it is trusting without knowing. Maybe it all goes back to believing.

Every morning when I wake up, I wonder if I should, wake up. Every morning my heart breaks. Every morning I remember what I will never forget. Every morning I swallow a cocktail of bittersweet emotions. Emotions brought on by memories, good and bad.

Every morning I consider taking the easy way out. For me, that would be closing my eyes, calling in to work, staying in bed, shutting out the world,  giving in to the darkkness that is constantly threatening to consume me. It seems it would be so easy to stay home and get lost in the memories, the hurt, the anger, the loneliness, the frustration, the confusion. Tempting.

Instead, I choose life. I choose to get up. I go into Zavier's room, turn off his nightlight, and warily peek into his crib.  I go into Juliana's room and wake her up. I reluctantly welcome the pain that is quickly becoming a familiar friend. I wouldn't dare wish the pain away. I want only to make peace with it. I will accept it and learn to live with it. It is now a part of who I am.

I go about my day as best I can. I am thankful for the people who say that I am so strong. I am thankful that the truth is not always so plainly visible. If only they knew...If only they could see...everything that is so wrong with me.

Nonetheless, I choose life. I choose to get up. I choose to believe.