Day 36

Juls won 2nd place at the Bulldog Races this year. We are very proud of her. Last year Felix had to work and was not able to see the race. This year he was there cheering her on. Felix is taking such good care of us. I love him more than I ever have.

Sometimes I want to be left alone to be sad and cry when I know the rest of the world is still hustling and bustling. I feel the need to be still and not move. Sometimes I feel the reality of the nightmare is still sinking in.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I am missing Zavi more than ever. I still feel that I am moving way too slow to keep up with the world around me. My thoughts are scattered and I don't feel 'together'. I don't feel quite capable.  I'm slowly beginning to realize that there will always be days on the calendar that will be harder than all the rest. As the days go by, there has not been one moment that I don't feel that constant ache in my heart. There is always the feeling that something is missing.

A friend sent me the poem that follows. I thank God that my son and I are forever connected.

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

Day 35

Tomorrow is Juls' big race. She ran this race last year and won 2nd place. I can't help but remember that last year at the race I was pregnant. Now, one short year later.  My baby has come and gone. I can't understand how it is possible to have been so happy and so extremely sad in such a short period of time.I brought my son home and, too quickly, had to send him home to Jesus. In all my dreams for my son, I never dreamt I would see him buried.

Day 34

I have a daily quote application on my iPod. This is the quote from a few days ago.


What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be not forever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flowers;
Grief not, rather find, Strength in what remains behind,
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be,
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of Human suffering,
In the faith that looks through death
In years that bring philophic mind.

By William Wordsworth

My brother is here. My parents will be here tomorrow. Juliana's competing in the 2nd Annual Bulldog Race on Saturday. On Sunday we are planning a picnic at the cemetary. We will take balloons and fresh flowers to Zavier for Valentine's Day. I hope the weather improves. I made a few phone calls today to arrange for my family's participation in a support group. It was not easy but I am hopeful that it will prove to be a beneficial experience.

It is still cold and rainy outside and quite frankly that suits me just fine.

Day 33

On Monday, I woke up and almost immediately realized the date was Feb. 8. Exactly one month. I got dressed, dropped off Juls and went to work. I cried as I listened to Zavier's CD during my commute. I wasn't worried. This has become something of a daily ritual. It is usually over by the time I get to work anyway. That Monday morning I just couldn't shake it. I couldn't listen to anyone ask me if I was ok without battling the tears that constantly threaten to come. I couldn't stay. I left and haven't been back. Truth be told, I am afraid to go back. It is unlike me to be so out of control of my emotions.

It seems I'm afraid of so many things these days. I am so disappointed in myself. I am supposed to be stronger than this. I have never in my life been so unable to keep up. Never has everything seemed so out of my control. I don't know how to fix it.

One day at a time is the best I can do...

Day 32

One day I will allow myself to feel without barriers, without crutches to prop me up, without these walls it seems have been built in preparation for this very moment. One day the relentless waves of sorrow and grief will come crashing down despite it all.  But right now I will sew. I will quilt and sew in my feeble attempt to withstand the pain. Right now I am too afraid.

Day 31

Pretending is exhausting...

Day 30

I hate that babies die. Not just my baby. Babies.

At the cemetary yesterday...two new babies.

Tomorrow will be one month since I was forced to do the unthinkable, to bury my son. My baby boy. A part of my heart and soul is gone. Gone with Zavier. My new normal seems to have begun and everyday I despise this unavoidable new normal. I do not want it. It is not welcome and I will not embrace it. I can barely accept it.

I once lived in a world with a baby, bottles, diapers, blankies and baths at the kitchen sink. Now my days are filled with...I'm not even sure what. But, my world now includes never ending days, restless nights and trips to the cemetary.

At this time last month we found out we were pregnant. The months couldn't pass fast enough. We were so eager to meet our baby. It seems now that the almost 4 months he was here flew by, entirely too quickly. One short year later, our boy has come and gone. It seems almost impossible, but it's real. I have to remind myself everyday that it is real. He was here and now he is gone.

I am almost desperate for my heart to catch up with the things my mind already knows.