believe - to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so: Only if one believes in something can one act purposefully.
I Believe...
I believe in God. I believe God is good. I believe God has a plan. I believe in the power of family. I believe in the strength of friends. I believe in life. I believe in laughter and smiles. I believe we will be ok. I believe Felix, Juls and I will make it through this together, always a family. I believe in unity. I believe in prayer. I believe in the magic of music. I believe, with my entire being, that our Zavier lives. I believe, in the presence of the Lord, my family will be complete forever more. I believe in signs. I believe in goodness. I believe in hope. I believe in healing. I believe there is a light at the end of all tunnels.
That light might not always be easy to see. Let faith lead the way. I believe I am learning how to live.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Day 22
Forever Carrying You
I miss your giggle. I miss your cry.
I can't help but wonder why you had to die.
He supposedly loves me
Still, He took you away.
I'd have given my life
If he'd have let you stay.
You are my heart
And now you're gone.
What have I done
that was so wrong?
My arms ache to hold you,
but what can I do?
I'll walk through this life,
Forever carrying you.
I miss your giggle. I miss your cry.
I can't help but wonder why you had to die.
He supposedly loves me
Still, He took you away.
I'd have given my life
If he'd have let you stay.
You are my heart
And now you're gone.
What have I done
that was so wrong?
My arms ache to hold you,
but what can I do?
I'll walk through this life,
Forever carrying you.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Day 21
Three weeks down, an entire lifetime to go...
I've decided to share today's moment of insanity. But first, I have a secret to tell. Over the course of the past 3 weeks, I have realized that it kind of irritates me to hear people comment on how I've 'lost' my baby. Well-meaning people have said things like, "I heard you lost your son." or "I'm so sorry you lost your baby."
In my mind, I'm like, what are you talking about. I have never 'lost' my baby. He was never misplaced. I've always known exactly where he is. Again, this is just a minor irritation and I never imagined I'd tell anyone, let alone include it in this blog. Today, after work, I went to the cemetary. To my horror, all the flowers had been removed including the basket of flowers I left on Saturday. I thought I knew where Zavi's spot is. Until...there were no flowers to mark the exact location.
My heart dropped. I felt what I can only imagine is the beginning of an anxiety attack. I thought to myself, now I've really done it. Now, I really have lost my baby. In that moment, I was not sure which of two spots was his. No worries. The whole thing strikes me as slightly amusing now.
Anyway, in my moment of panic and mild hysteria, I called the funeral home and spoke with a very kind man who assured me that he would find someone to help me immediately. I saw a man who appeared to be working and was assured by the man on the phone that he'd be able to help me. I walked up to the man and explained my situation. I must've have sounded like a truly crazy person. I told the man that I needed help. I needed to find my baby.
This man stopped what he was doing. He reassured me that he understood, that it would be ok and that he would help me find my baby. We went over to Babyland, where the babies are. He asked me for the baby's name. I told him and he said something like, That's the baby with the mariachis, right? He quickly and confidently showed me the spot that is Zavier's.
I will never lose my baby again.
I've decided to share today's moment of insanity. But first, I have a secret to tell. Over the course of the past 3 weeks, I have realized that it kind of irritates me to hear people comment on how I've 'lost' my baby. Well-meaning people have said things like, "I heard you lost your son." or "I'm so sorry you lost your baby."
In my mind, I'm like, what are you talking about. I have never 'lost' my baby. He was never misplaced. I've always known exactly where he is. Again, this is just a minor irritation and I never imagined I'd tell anyone, let alone include it in this blog. Today, after work, I went to the cemetary. To my horror, all the flowers had been removed including the basket of flowers I left on Saturday. I thought I knew where Zavi's spot is. Until...there were no flowers to mark the exact location.
My heart dropped. I felt what I can only imagine is the beginning of an anxiety attack. I thought to myself, now I've really done it. Now, I really have lost my baby. In that moment, I was not sure which of two spots was his. No worries. The whole thing strikes me as slightly amusing now.
Anyway, in my moment of panic and mild hysteria, I called the funeral home and spoke with a very kind man who assured me that he would find someone to help me immediately. I saw a man who appeared to be working and was assured by the man on the phone that he'd be able to help me. I walked up to the man and explained my situation. I must've have sounded like a truly crazy person. I told the man that I needed help. I needed to find my baby.
This man stopped what he was doing. He reassured me that he understood, that it would be ok and that he would help me find my baby. We went over to Babyland, where the babies are. He asked me for the baby's name. I told him and he said something like, That's the baby with the mariachis, right? He quickly and confidently showed me the spot that is Zavier's.
I will never lose my baby again.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Day 20
Thanks to the encouragement of a few really good people, Felix and I went to a concert at a small coffee shop. We have had these tickets for quite a while. Originally, Aunt Lanie was going to watch the kids. She watched only Juliana.
My confession: For 3 hours I welcomed Denial and allowed myself to pretend that this nightmare never happened. I tried to lose myself in noise and music. I tried to hide from my life. The evening was not without saddness, but we smiled, relaxed a little and even laughed.
Paul Thorn sang a song in which the lyric "You are the brightest star in my sky" seemed to speak to me. My Zavi will always be shining brightly in my sky.
The moment we walked out of the coffee shop into the dark, rainy night my heart sank. It all came back to me as we drove away, drove back into the ridiculously unfortunate reality of our little world.
The point is we smiled and even laughed. Together.
My confession: For 3 hours I welcomed Denial and allowed myself to pretend that this nightmare never happened. I tried to lose myself in noise and music. I tried to hide from my life. The evening was not without saddness, but we smiled, relaxed a little and even laughed.
Paul Thorn sang a song in which the lyric "You are the brightest star in my sky" seemed to speak to me. My Zavi will always be shining brightly in my sky.
The moment we walked out of the coffee shop into the dark, rainy night my heart sank. It all came back to me as we drove away, drove back into the ridiculously unfortunate reality of our little world.
The point is we smiled and even laughed. Together.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Day 19
I want to say today was better. I want to say I'm making progress. But I can't. I don't feel better and I don't see the progress. I couldn't even work a full day today. If anything, today was worse. How is that even possible? I am so frustrated. I honestly thought I could go to work, stay busy and function. How could I be so wrong? I was once the master multi tasker and suddenly my mind is mush. It takes so much effort to keep my mind from going back to the events of the past 19 days. I need it to stop. I need to figure this out. I need a plan.
I want to erase the past 19 days. I want to pretend this never happened, maybe then I could be functional. Felix says that is not the answer.
But wait, I did catch up on my school work. And, guess what...We finished one of the blankets!!!!! It is so sad and kind of happy. It is absolutely beautiful to us. It is our pain, our almost 4 months of joy, it is our tears, it is our prayers, it is part of our heart, it is a part of our boy. We did it together. I could not have done it alone. Felix finished it this afternoon and I am so proud of him.
It has been 19 days and it feels like a lifetime.
I want to erase the past 19 days. I want to pretend this never happened, maybe then I could be functional. Felix says that is not the answer.
But wait, I did catch up on my school work. And, guess what...We finished one of the blankets!!!!! It is so sad and kind of happy. It is absolutely beautiful to us. It is our pain, our almost 4 months of joy, it is our tears, it is our prayers, it is part of our heart, it is a part of our boy. We did it together. I could not have done it alone. Felix finished it this afternoon and I am so proud of him.
It has been 19 days and it feels like a lifetime.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Day 18
Today I took I picture of my kids to work to put on my desk. Bad idea. It was there for maybe two hours before it went back into my bag. Why hadn't it been there for weeks? It's too late now. I kept glancing at it thinking that both my kids were safely where they belonged. I kept thinking Juliana was at school and Zavier with his sitter. I wanted, so much, to believe I was going to pick up Zavier after work.
I do not know how to be happy for my daughter. I do not know how to be strong for my husband. I don't even know who I need me to be. I'm drowning.
I do not know how to be happy for my daughter. I do not know how to be strong for my husband. I don't even know who I need me to be. I'm drowning.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Day 17
Back to work...Getting out of my house was dreadful. I was mad, sad and even a little scared. I felt like I was forgetting something. I didn't want to leave without a diaper bag, a carseat and well...a baby. I stepped out of the shower and glanced at where my baby should be. In the center of my bed, propped up on a pillow, fed, burped and happily 'watching' Handy Manny.
Even worse, I felt a little like going about my 'normal' life was a betrayal to my son. Nothing should be the same. And it's not.
On my way home from work, I didn't want to stop driving. I wanted, desperately, to go pick up Zavier. I got home and wondered why I didn't have a baby to bathe, feed and play with. I did go to the track with Felix and Juls. It was nice to be out with them, in the fresh air, running (or jogging should I say). Juls seemed to be having a good time. She remembers when we first took Zavier to the track and strolled around the parking lot with him. Felix says he is training her for the 2nd annual Bulldog Races. At the 1st annual Bulldog Races, I was pregnant with Zavi. Now, just one year later, he has come and gone. It was at this time, just last year, that we found out we were pregnant and just like that it is all over.
Utterly unbelievable, shocking, incomprehensible...
I tucked Juliana into bed tonight and she said, "You usually have Zavier with you and I always kiss him goodnight". I was speechless because she is absolutely right. I could feel the anger begin to creep up. Every now and then, I think how it would be so much easier to let the anger take over and replace all the tears. I know that is not the answer. There isn't even anyone to be angry at.
This is the beginning of my new normal...
Even worse, I felt a little like going about my 'normal' life was a betrayal to my son. Nothing should be the same. And it's not.
On my way home from work, I didn't want to stop driving. I wanted, desperately, to go pick up Zavier. I got home and wondered why I didn't have a baby to bathe, feed and play with. I did go to the track with Felix and Juls. It was nice to be out with them, in the fresh air, running (or jogging should I say). Juls seemed to be having a good time. She remembers when we first took Zavier to the track and strolled around the parking lot with him. Felix says he is training her for the 2nd annual Bulldog Races. At the 1st annual Bulldog Races, I was pregnant with Zavi. Now, just one year later, he has come and gone. It was at this time, just last year, that we found out we were pregnant and just like that it is all over.
Utterly unbelievable, shocking, incomprehensible...
I tucked Juliana into bed tonight and she said, "You usually have Zavier with you and I always kiss him goodnight". I was speechless because she is absolutely right. I could feel the anger begin to creep up. Every now and then, I think how it would be so much easier to let the anger take over and replace all the tears. I know that is not the answer. There isn't even anyone to be angry at.
This is the beginning of my new normal...
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